Fifteen '80s Movies That Maybe Should Have Been Rated PG-13

Are you old enough, or nerdy enough, to know when PG-13 became a thing? Long story short, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas were making very popular films in the early ‘80s with melting faces, live sacrifices, people waving guns at children, and other images that could easily cause nightmares for wee ones. However, these were expensive, popular films that kids wanted to see (and studios wanted to sell to kids). Therefore, they couldn’t be rated R. So finally, in 1984, the MPAA created PG-13, where, hypothetically, you had to be thirteen years old to see the film without a parent. Not that tweens usually have identification on them, but if you let your eleven-year-old in 1986 have enough money on them to see movies by themselves, well…that was on you.

However, this didn’t stop PG movies from being fairly intense in the late ‘80s. The following is a list of films from 1985 to 1989 that could have gotten a PG-13, and maybe should have, but didn’t. I'm putting them in order of descending gross, and all made over $10 million in the US box office. There are some wild PG-rated obscurities out there (Walter Matthau making a movie based on a sex manual! The last Tarkovsky movie!), but they were tangential to the mission. Lest I’m accused of making a film seem more sexual or violent than it is, I’ll only share a plot excerpt from Wikipedia, rather than how I describe the movie to my therapist.

Warning: spoilers!

Back To The Future (1985) 
That night, Marty meets his eccentric scientist friend, Emmett "Doc" Brown, in the Twin Pines mall parking lot. Doc unveils a time machine built from a modified DeLorean, powered by plutonium he swindled from Libyan terrorists. After Doc inputs a destination time of November 5, 1955 (the day he conceived his time travel invention), the terrorists arrive unexpectedly and gun him down.

Top Gun (1986)
Maverick and Iceman, the leading contenders for the Top Gun Trophy, chase an A-4 in Hop 31. As Iceman has trouble getting a lock on the A-4, Maverick pressures him to break off so that he can move into firing position, with Iceman 5 seconds away from a lock. However, Maverick's F-14 flies through Iceman's jet wash and suffers a flameout of both engines, going into an unrecoverable flat spin. Maverick and Goose eject, but Goose slams into the jettisoned aircraft canopy and is killed by the impact.

Three Men And A Baby (1989)
Four days later, two drug dealers, Vince and Satch, arrive at the apartment for the package. Peter and Michael mistakenly give them Mary, along with a can of powdered milk the dealers believe is the heroin. Peter discovers the actual package; realizing the mix-up, he runs downstairs but trips, spilling the package's contents. He gathers up the drugs and confronts the men outside, causing a scuffle.

Rocky IV (1985)
Drago aggressively pummels him in the second round. Apollo falls after a particularly savage blow and lies twitching on the ground. After the match is called in Drago's favor, he displays no contrition, commenting to the assembled media: "If he dies, he dies." Apollo dies as a result of his injuries.

Crocodile Dundee II (1988)
Seeing the pair from a distance, Walter shoots Mick thinking he is Rico, Miguel shoots Rico thinking he is Mick, and Sue then shoots and kills Miguel; Rico falls down an escarpment to his death, but Sue and Walter initially believe the body is Mick’s until one of the Aboriginals tells them about the clothing switch.

Moonstruck (1988)
Rose witnesses New York University professor Perry get dumped by one of his students. He joins her for dinner. After the opera, Ronny leads Loretta back to his apartment and desperately persuades her to ruin herself with him.

Perry walks Rose home, but she refuses his advances because she knows who she is. Johnny Cammareri surprises Rose at the house. She asks him why men cheat, and they surmise it must be a fear of death.

Jewel Of The Nile (1985)
Jack and Joan are separated as a fire breaks out, and Omar corners Joan atop the burning scaffolding. Ralph, using a giant crane, helps Jack reach Joan. He kicks Omar into the flames, killing him. Al-Julhara rises and safely walks through the fire, fulfilling the prophecy that he is the true spiritual leader.

Turner & Hooch (1989)
Boyett ambushes Scott and a gunfight ensues, and Hooch subdues Boyett but is shot. Hyde kills Boyett and coerces Scott to help him pin everything on Boyett, but is bitten by Hooch; in the struggle for the gun, Hyde is shot dead. Scott races Hooch to Emily's clinic, where the mortally wounded dog dies on the table.

Uncle Buck (1989)
There, Buck discovers Bug forcing himself on another girl and binds and gags him, locking him in the trunk of his car. He later finds Tia walking home, upset, and she admits Buck was right about Bug. She and Buck reconcile, with Buck admitting both his failings and his love for Tia. Buck then forces Bug to apologize to Tia before releasing him.

The Living Daylights (1987)
Meanwhile, the Mujahideen attack the air base on horseback and engage the Soviets in a gun battle. During the battle, Kara drives a jeep into the cargo hold of the plane as Bond takes off, and Necros also jumps on board at the last second from a jeep driven by Koskov. After a fight, Bond sends Necros falling to his death and deactivates the bomb. Bond then notices Shah and his men being pursued by Soviet forces. He re-activates the bomb and drops it out of the plane and onto a bridge, blowing it up and helping Shah and his men escape the Soviets. The plane subsequently crashes, destroying the drugs, while Bond and Kara escape.

Legal Eagles (1986)
A distraught Chelsea arrives at Logan's apartment, revealing she went to Taft's residence and threatened him at gunpoint for information. She claims Taft took the gun away and hit her. Chelsea spends the night with Logan. The next morning, police burst into the bedroom and arrest Chelsea for Taft's murder. The resulting scandal ends Logan's career in the D.A.'s office, and he reluctantly teams up with Kelly.

During her murder trial, Chelsea experiences a flashback memory and openly accuses Forrester of being involved in her father's death. When an assassin attempts to run down Logan and Kelly, the man is fatally hit by a taxi. 

Empire Of The Sun (1987)
One morning, the base is attacked by American P-51 Mustang fighter aircraft. Jim is overjoyed and climbs the ruins of a nearby pagoda to better watch the action. Rawlins chases him up the pagoda to save him, whereupon Jim breaks down in tears, saying he cannot remember what his parents look like. As a result of the attack, the Japanese evacuate the camp. As they leave, Jim's trainee pilot friend goes through the ritual kamikaze preparation and attempts to take off in a Japanese attack plane, but is devastated when the engine sputters and dies.

The camp prisoners march through the wilderness, where many die from fatigue, starvation, and disease. 

Her Alibi (1989)
Blackwood is stunned when he sees a dazzling Romanian murder suspect named Nina Ionescu arraigned in the court. Instantly falling for her, he believes she cannot possibly be a murderer. To assure himself of this, he poses as a Roman Catholic priest in order to meet Nina while she is held pending her bail appearance. Finding her wearing a crucifix necklace (which would be forbidden in her communist homeland), he thinks she's innocent when she does not confess to the murder.

With the help of his friend and literary agent, Sam, Blackwood invents an alibi that they are having an affair to secure her release under his custody. However, after Blackwood succeeds in this, Sam raises the frightening idea that she really might be a murderer, and that Blackwood might be in danger.

Howard The Duck (1986)
Howard rejoins Beverly backstage and accompanies her back to her apartment, where Beverly persuades him to be the band's new manager. The two flirt and get into bed, but they are interrupted by Phil and two of his colleagues, who reveal that a laser spectroscope they were inventing was aimed at Howard's planet and transported him to Earth when it was activated.

Sweet Liberty (1986)
Michael's excitement is squelched by his increasing exasperation as the novel is changed by a low-brow scriptwriter (Bob Hoskins) and a condescending director (Saul Rubinek) into a steamy tale of lust and betrayal, complete with nudity and distortions of historical fact.

While Michael navigates on-set politics, he is distracted by his mother Cecilia (Lillian Gish) and her delusions, including the belief that she is being poisoned and that the Devil lives in her kitchen. He has been trying unsuccessfully to convince his girlfriend Gretchen (Lise Hilboldt) to move in with him. He falls for Faith and begins an affair with her, believing her to be like the character she is portraying in the film.

Remember, I'm not some uptight zoomer on social media freaking out that sex and death exist in cinema. Please. I'm just suggesting maybe eight years olds shouldn't have been ostensibly free to walk into a showing of Legal Eagles on their own. But...that's a matter for our therapists now.

All questions and comments can go to anthonyisright at gmail dot com. Though, remember, I'm not your therapist.