My Music & Movie Rating Scales!
Contained on this page are the subjective rating systems I previously shared in posts named My Handy Dandy Profoundly Subjective Numerical Rating Scheme For Albums and Anthony's MCU Binge: An Introduction! I felt the site could use a one-stop shopping site for that info, though don't assume the linked posts aren't adorable and enriching in their own right. I'm intentionally not reposting the screen-shots of Gregg Turkington from the latter post as further enticement.
Please remember, rating systems for creative works are an inherently stupid enterprise, if a fun, whimsical shorthand for helpless dorks like myself. Hence my decision to make the descriptions so transparently personal. You can't debate them, you can merely share your own.
What the numbers on my posts about albums mean:
10 - Apocalyptic events aside, I will always have a physical copy of this album. I love every track.
9 - I should always own this album, and would pay full price for it. Maybe even overpay. I've got serious love for it, and if I don't currently own it physically, I'm not happy about that.
8 - I currently own this album, or would probably pay full price, but might hold out for cheap depending on my mood. It's a good one, though.
7 - I don’t need to own this album, but there’s at least a couple tracks I’d like to be able to access, whether via a compilation or streaming. Good stuff here.
6 - I barely need anything on this, but if you put it on, I’ll probably say something like ‘cool!’ It's fine.
5 - I probably don't need anything on this, maybe a track or two, but eh, whatever. The most frustrating grade, suggestive of an unconfident discontent.
4 - I don’t need much if anything from this, but I only hate it a little.
3 - I hate this, but it’s either got real character or one good jam.
2 - I straight-up fucking hate this, no redeeming qualities have yet to be found.
1 - I think this album could lead to one of those apocalyptic events suggested above.
What the categories in my posts about movies on streaming mean:
If I’ve seen a movie more than once, and can imagine watching it many times after, that, dear reader, is…a POPCORN CLASSIC. It’s a vibe. It’s an old friend. It’s got a certain je ne sais quoi, a certain somethin’ somethin’, that will regularly fit my mood when scrolling through the options at 11pm, when I should be going to bed but won’t.
Sometimes a movie is truly wonderful, a great night at the cinema, but doesn’t demand repeat viewings. Maybe it’s too depressing. Maybe it's a touch too long. Or maybe it’s my first time seeing it and I can’t honestly swear it passes muster as a Popcorn Classic. These films earn FIVE BAGS OF POPCORN. Still mandatory viewing for any Hollywood cineaste. Just maybe start it before 10pm.
If a movie gets FOUR BAGS, you should probably still see it so your cinema-loving friends don’t think you’re wack, but I must remove one bag out of protest. Nobody should get fired for making this movie, but maybe someone should get a talking to.
THREE BAGS means I watched the whole thing, so I can’t really ask for a refund. But the movie should only be watched for completist purposes or because you’ve already watched all the good movies. They really screwed up this time.
If I don’t finish a movie, or fast forward to where Wikipedia says something interesting happens, I don’t write a review. That wouldn’t be fair to the filmmakers or the reader. Besides, in the online world, silence is the most lethal pan of all.
(Also, I don't rate movies seen in theaters, or new films that get a post to themselves, because of my principles and my love for the Pauline Kael-esque thinkpiece where the author suddenly gives spoilers.)