Who's The Worst ALTERNATIVE RADIO GOD?: Round 1, Part 1

Almost twenty years ago, inspired by Tom Ewing's then-new blog Popular, I decided to give myself a similar, more manageable project: ranking every Billboard Modern Rock chart #1 from least appreciated (U2's "Staring At The Sun") to most (The Cure's "High"). I can't stand by every opinion on "bunch of crazy white people..." (I overrated Hoobastank, I'll admit it), but it's still a fun read if you don't mind broken photo links.

For most of my life since, I've been hemming and hawing around a book/zine/project called Alternative Radio Gods, a memoir's worth of blurbs concerning modern rock radio in the '90s, and the adolescence it soundtracked. Staggeringly large spreadsheets' worth of info was culled, but the writing never got off the ground. I couldn't decide whether ARG was a labor of love, or just the literary venture I felt most qualified for. After all, I love to yak about the intricacies and absurdities of alt-rock, and I've got plenty to say. But the idea of going so deep, for so long, into my past, while revisiting so much audio oatmeal, never felt cathartic or important enough to override my anxiety disorder. Yet!

That said, I really do like the title. As more and more writers rightly revel in their own memories and opinions about the era, the least I can do is claim the term Alternative Radio Gods online for myself, earning a valid gripe for myself if someone else uses it. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, when an idea I had hits the marketplace from someone else's pen, I just take it as validation I have decent ideas. But this particular pun on a thirty-year-old one-hit wonder? It's mine.

But what would be a fun way to utilize it? Tom Breihan is currently assigning grades and writing essays for The Alternative Number Ones, and isn't even through the '90s. I need something breezier, more immediately rewarding. Eventually, it hit me: I could try to methodically deduce my least favorite alternative radio mainstay. I'd get to indulge my weird navel-gazing, and indulge my morbid curiosity about recent singles from aging bands, but in a context begging for constant zingers.

The best I can tell, there are 24 acts who've made the Alternative Airplay chart (formerly known as Modern Rock) at least 21 times. As of this post, I don't think anyone's had exactly 20 songs on it. Lots have 19, so before you ask "where's so and so?", please go to Billboard and show me the alleged omission had at least 21 entries on the Alternative Airplay chart. Alice In Chains, Nirvana, Soundgarden, Matchbox 20, Jimmy Eat World, Fall Out Boy, Oasis, Siouxsie & The Banshees, Goo Goo Dolls...you may hate them, you may love them, you may be seeing them in an arena tomorrow, but they didn't have 20 songs make the Alternative Airplay chart. Yet.

In Round 1, I'll look at the first seven chart appearances of the 24 qualifying acts. Round 2, the next seven, Round 3, appearances 15-21. Further rounds will depend on which bands with more than 21 charters could potentially make the podium. Each song will be awarded Shit Points, assigned thusly: -1 Shit Points means I'm glad the song exists. 0 Shit Points means I don't really care, it's the radio, whatever. 1 Shit Point means I wish the song didn't exist. 2 Shit Points, or a DEUCE, means I wish it didn't exist, and it made the chart's Top 5. Inescapability definitely makes a bad song worse.

And now, with no further ado...Round 1, Part 1! Assessing the first seven "hits" from the first twelve qualifying Alternative Radio Gods, in order of the artist's arrival to the chart (which began in late '88 and, for some reason, still goes on today).

U2
“Jesus Christ” (alternative chart peak: #9, debut week: 9/17/88) 1
“Desire” (peak: #1, debut: 10/8/88) -1 
“Angel Of Harlem” (peak: #3, debut: 11/5/88) 0
“When Love Comes To Town” (peak: #10, debut: 11/19/88) 1
“God Part II” (peak: #28, debut: 3/11/89) 1
“Dancing Barefoot” (peak: #14, debut: 4/15/89) 1
“Everlasting Love” (peak: #11, debut: 7/8/89) 1
Shit Score (Round 1): 4

For all my talk about qualification, it turns out I’d never heard U2’s first appearance on “Modern Rock Tracks”: a Woody Guthrie cover from a tribute album to Folkways Records. In hindsight, it’s an obvious amuse bouche for Rattle & Hum, recommended if you thought Billy Bragg & Wilco should have been taking steroids during Mermaid Avenue. I actually enjoy the bulging Bo Diddley tribute that introduced U2's 2LP tribute to touring America, but the following singles are increasingly cringeworthy. One exception, “All I Want Is You," failed to make this chart, but the b-side's atrocious cover of “Everlasting Love” did, as did the dull “Dancing Barefoot” run-through on the “When Love Comes To Town” single. Did these covers inspire The Ben Stiller Show’s sketch about U2 playing bar mitzvahs? They even did “Unchained Melody”! 

R.E.M.
“Orange Crush” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 11/19/88) -1
“Stand” (peak: #1, debut: 12/10/88) -1
“Pop Song ’89” (peak: #16, debut: 12/3/88) -1
“Turn You Inside-Out” (peak: #10, debut/ 3/18/89) -1
“Losing My Religion” (peak: #1, debut 3/9/91) -1
“Texarkana” (peak: #4, debut: 5/18/91) 0
“Shiny Happy People” (peak: #3, debut: 6/29/91) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -6

I’ve already gone on about R.E.M.’s platinum heyday in their album guide, acknowledging why Green is my favorite album of theirs, and why I find “Texarkana” a bit much. Though after all those U2 covers, I can’t be mad at Mike Mills’ Moody Blues tribute. I hope he's found that oasis.

Depeche Mode
“Everything Counts - Live” (alternative chart peak: #13, debut week: 4/15/89) 0
“Personal Jesus” (peak: #3, debut: 10/7/89) 0
“Dangerous” (peak: #13, debut: 1/13/90) 0
“Enjoy The Silence” (peak: #1, debut: 3/10/90) -1 
“Policy Of Truth” (peak: #1, debut: 4/28/90) -1 
“Halo” (peak: #21, debut: 8/11/90) -1
“World In My Eyes” (peak: #17, 9/22/90) -1 
Shit Score (Round 1): -4

Despite the sing-along coda on the version from Depeche Mode's double live gonzo 101, I'm fine with only having heard the studio version of “Everything Counts” on the radio myself. The live version is a perfect prelude to “Personal Jesus," though. With 101 proving just how many fans they’d amassed in the ‘80s, it must have been delicious to see these presumed synth-dweebs co-opt western wear and slide guitar, strolling into a bordello as Jon Bon Jovi prepared to shriek “Blaze Of Glory” outside it. But not only have covers from everyone from Johnny Cash to Marilyn Manson stripped away the sonic subversion, “pick up the receiver” has become a very old-fashioned request. I get why the charting B-side was a B-side, but the following four singles from Violator remain Depeche Mode’s seductive peak, the young boys curious about sex, drugs & synth-pop a decade earlier now well-traveled and wizened, ready to take on mainstream mentees. Most didn’t even realize how funny the string squeaks on “Enjoy The Silence” were. 

Red Hot Chili Peppers
“Knock Me Down” (alternative chart peak: #6, debut week: 9/2/89) 1
“Higher Ground” (peak: #11, debut: 10/28/89) -1 
“Show Me Your Soul” (peak: #10, debut: 4/7/90) 1
“Give It Away” (peak: #1, debut: 9/21/91) -1
“Suck My Kiss” (peak: #15, 12/14/91) 0
“Under The Bridge” (peak: #6, peak: 4/4/92) -1
“Breaking The Girl” (peak: #19, peak: 8/8/92) 0
Shit Score (Round 1): -1

I remember seeing these guys on MTV’s Remote Control as a kid, two members sharing a recliner and a shirt, and being very impressed by their effusive irreverence. Not enough to buy Mother’s Milk, but still, I want points for knowing them pre-Blood Sugar Sex Magik. While “Higher Ground” is a solid funk-metal novelty, the earnest D.A.R.E. message before it and the song from the Pretty Woman soundtrack after get old even before the climactic key changes (weird, weird fun fact: Robert Palmer’s contribution to Julia Roberts’ debutante ball made the Modern Rock chart a month earlier). 

It’s mostly forgotten that Sex Magik was commercially underwhelming before “Under The Bridge” took off on MTV. “Give It Away” came first, but didn't become "Weird" Al material until after. I still have love for those big hits, a manic yin of goofball zen and a depressive yang of bittersweet endurance. The other two singles from the album, a second funky crotch-thrust and a second reflective ballad, despite some interesting guitarplay and mellotron, mostly make me want to hear the first two. 

Nine Inch Nails
“Down In It” (alternative chart peak: #16, debut: 12/16/89) -1
“Head Like A Hole” (peak: #28, debut: 3/31/90) -1
“Happiness In Slavery” (peak: #13, debut: 10/3/92) 0
“Wish” (peak: #25, debut: 2/20/93) 0
“Closer” (peak: #11, debut: 5/7/94) -1
“Piggy” (peak: #20, debut: 12/24/94) 0
“Hurt” (peak #8, debut: 4/22/95) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -4

Just as Depeche Mode was getting too mainstream for the mall teens, here came Trent Reznor, giving “industrial” a sulky singer-songwriter to simmer from inside your locker door. The Pretty Hate Machine singles sound terrific today, far more percolating and sprightly than what would follow, that Dance Party USA clip only absurd now that NIN isn’t competing for shelf-space with Jane Child and The Information Society. The Broken singles remain too shouty and “metal” for my blood, though they're certainly not bad. For all NIN's impressive work to come, “Closer” remains their apex, somehow recalling both the slinky fun of peak INXS, and a descent into hell. “Piggy” is a touch too campy in comparison, but I wish I could hear what Johnny Cash would have done with it. Changing “I wear my crown of shit” into “I wear my crown of thorns” did improve on Reznor’s relative lack of restraint, after all. Not that I can resist the original “Hurt”’s arrangement. How long did they spend getting that background crackle just right?

Smashing Pumpkins
“Rhinoceros” (alternative chart peak: #27, debut week: 11/9/91) 0
“Drown” (peak: #24, debut: 10/17/92) 0 
“Cherub Rock” (peak: #7, debut: 7/24/93) -1
“Disarm” (peak: #8, debut: 9/11/93) -1
“Today” (peak: #4, debut: 10/30/93) -1
“Landslide” (peak: #3, debut: 10/15/94) 2
“Bullet With Butterfly Wings” (peak: 10/21/95) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -2

It’s impressive how much early Smashing Pumpkins could sound like My Bloody Valentine (with cock-rock guitar solos and drum rolls), considering Gish came out before Loveless (though not Glider!). They didn’t get the formula quite right until after Loveless, though, with “Cherub Rock” suggesting Kevin Shields flicking his tongue in front of Tommy Lee. “Disarm” suggests Harvey Fierstein wanting to be loved as Tommy Lee plays tubular bells, but is that so wrong? He used to be a little boy! Sadly, “Rocket,” the last charming Siamese Dream single, only made the Mainstream Rock chart, while the acoustic Fleetwood Mac cover made the Modern Rock Top 5, becoming our competition’s first DEUCE. Despite hipper Chicagoans flailing their arms in vain, warning us to steer clear of these beguiling noodlers, we still wound up with Billy Corgan and James Iha on the radio, acoustic, evoking Stevie & Lindsey almost crippled by dueling IBS. Fun fact! Natalie Maines said the Dixie Chicks’ version was intended to rescue the song from the Pumpkins. You know, like how U2 rescued “Helter Skelter” from Charles Manson. “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” confirms how normalized Corgan’s unapologetic whine had become (who knew adults could get colic?), but the pyrotechnics were back and then some. I know I should hate them more, but...forget it, Jake. It’s high school.

Pearl Jam
“Alive” (alternative chart peak: #18, debut week: 1/25/92) 0
“Even Flow” (peak: #21, debut: 5/16/92) -1
“Jeremy” (peak: #4, debut: 8/15/92) -1
“Black” (peak: #20, debut: 12/26/92) -1
“Crazy Mary” (peak: #8, debut: 8/7/93) 0
“Go” (peak: #8, debut: 10/16/93) -1
“Daughter” (peak: #1, debut: 10/30/93) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -5

As a wee tween, I’d received the memo that mainstream hard rock was wack and corny. It was an absurd cartoon of a culture, like Wayne’s World. Pearl Jam represented a bold, authentic, thoughtful, political throwback to Neil Young and respectable, affecting classic rock. Or so I’d been told. Years later, having a far broader context for how Pearl Jam fits into rock history, it can be hard to recall the innocence of a kid who thought Eddie Vedder invented yarling, and wouldn’t get the absurdity of a vulnerable, openly traumatized Black Oak Arkansas. Consider “Alive.” In its MTV heyday, the video represented casual wear hard rock, crowd surfing, and feeling alive. But I've since learned about the verse lyrics, and realizing all the “yehyehyehyeh” and weedly-weedly-wee follows a tale of incestuous rape does dampen the righteous joy of it all. I still don’t know what “Even Flow” is about, with its even grander “yehyehyehyeh” and weedly-weedly-wee, and I’m going to keep it that way. If my kid asks - its the first Pearl Jam song I played him when I realized Dad's rock school had to play him something - I’ll say it’s about how water pressure affects long hair.  

“Jeremy” he’s going to have to find on his own. Thanks to Dean Wareham’s fantastic memoir Black Postcards, I can’t unhear what a goddamn Cher ballad this song is. It’s truly on the “Gypsy, Tramps and Thieves” tip. But my inner tween is too grateful for the sulk he shared with Eddie to deny its epic acknowledgement of the depths of adolescent alienation. And “Black”? You could call it a power ballad redux of “She’s Gone,” or you could cry…just cry… Attempting to protect the grunge children from such japes (though the song still made Letterman’s radar), the band stopped making videos for years. Which didn’t stop the Victoria Williams cover/duet/tribute from impressing classic rock parents on the radio (Mike McCready sounded and looked like the post-Jimi electric blues troubadour he was…I get why hipsters cringed now).

Announcing the impending release of Vs., “Go” smartly let rockers know Pearl Jam could punk-funk it up with the best. But the unprecedentedly empathetic “Daughter,” devoid of erotic objectification (“Sister Christian” this wasn’t), might be when the Darlene Conners and Jordan Catalanos of America truly took over the modern rock format. No longer would Morrissey or Tears For Fears, let alone Robyn Hitchcock and Lou Reed, have the slightest chance of reaching number one. Address the pain of youth, or get your grad-student appreciated ass out the door. Pearl Jam was for the children!

Stone Temple Pilots
“Plush” (alternative chart peak: #9, debut week: 3/20/93) 1
“Wicked Garden” (peak: #21, debut: 8/14/NS 93) 1
“Creep” (peak: #12, debut: 12/25/93) 0
“Big Empty” (peak: #7, debut: 5/28/94) -1
“Vasoline” (peak: #2, debut: 6/18/94) -1 
“Interstate Love Song” (peak: #2, debut: 8/20/94) -1
“Unglued” (peak: #16, 12/31/94) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -2

Though the infamous “Sex Type Thing” didn’t chart alternative (yay!), the format was in no place to resist the Pearl Jam II: Electric Boogaloo of “Plush.” Divorced from the misery of middle school, I can almost enjoy it in a Rutles way. Almost. Underscoring the mix of regressive hard-rock and grunge sonics that made Core so unpleasant for alt-rock true believers, “Wicked Garden” sounds like Eddie Vedder asking you to blow him on the toilet, making the harmonies especially weird. “Creep” was the first post-grunge ballad that split the difference between Nirvana’s “Polly” and Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man,” which is pretty impressive for a San Diego band that used to dress like the Chili Peppers. Almost.

Their codpieces wisely put aside for the moment, the Purple singles are a lot easier to appreciate as bittersweet radio candy today. Weiland, the DeLeo brothers and the other guy, aided by Brendan O’Brien (so good at the Pearl Jam musical aesthetic that they hired him for Vs.!), just wanted to Zeppelin it up and entertain the nice people in whatever clothes were appropriate that year. The video for “Vasoline” may be a ridiculous casserole of derivative iconography, but I wish Alice In Chains had more songs that swung like “Living Loving Maid” (dig that bongo break!). And while it meant nothing to me as a dateless wonder tired of its saturation airplay, I now appreciate “Interstate Love Song” providing a more ambiguous, less dour soundtrack to Lollapalooza romance than Pearl Jam’s primal groan therapy. Kudos, STP! Kudos. 

311
“Do You Right” (alternative chart peak: #27, debut week: 4/10/93) 0
“Don’t Stay Home” (peak: #29, debut: 10/28/95) 0
“All Mixed Up” (peak: #4, debut: 2/24/96) -1
“Down” (peak: #1, debut: 7/6/96) 2
“Transistor” (peak: #14, debut: 7/5/97) 1
“Prisoner” (peak: #21, debut: 9/6/97) 1
“Beautiful Disaster” (peak: #21, debut: 12/13/97) 1
Shit Score (Round 1): 4

Their insufferable omnipresence on air wouldn’t come until later, but Nebraska’s premiere reggaefied rap-metal act was already seducing the young and the tasteless before Korn was even a twinkle in a skater’s eye. That they managed cracking the chart years before MTV gave them a sliver of attention is truly a testament to how hard they pushed their undeniably tricky, arguably excruciating, UB420 madness across the country. I can still remember my baffled horror upon first seeing the “Down” video, confused why these flagrant fartknockers were introducing themselves by thanking their long-time fans. But if you’ve tried to listen to their first two albums, you’ll understand why they were so honored you’re hearing a third. 

Despite my decades of disdain, the Mighty Mighty King Crimson vibe of early near-hits like “Don’t Stay Home” is hard to actively resent. “Down” earns the DEUCE for the aforementioned adolescent trauma and SA Martinez rapping about his saliva, but I’ve never been able to resist “All Mixed Up”’s breezy encouragement (though I'm disappointed to learn they’re rhyming “keep me coming” with “kill them stunning,” as I thought it was “e.e. cummings”). The Transistor singles, though? Where they slow down and really get their heavy metal skank on? That shit’s for the heads. 

Beck
“Loser” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 12/25/93) -1
“Beercan” (peak: #27, debut: 7/16/94) -1 
“Where It’s At” (peak: #5, debut: 6/15/96) -1 
“Devil’s Haircut” (peak: #23, debut: 9/28/96) -1 
“The New Pollution” (peak: #9, debut: 2/22/97) -1 
“Jack-Ass” (peak: #15, debut: 8/2/97) -1
“Deadweight” (peak: #16, debut: 11/8/97) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -7

The dream of the ‘90s…I can feel it with each wry, immortal sample…each seeming non-sequitur…I’m floating… These songs are always a delight to revisit, but they sound really good after 311. It’s tempting give “Jack-Ass” a zero just for appearance’s sake, but…remember in the video where Willie Nelson throws glitter at Beck from a coal cart? Visions of taping 120 Minutes at 1am on three-day weekends…ironically rap my body home, Beck…rap me back home…

Green Day
“Longview” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 3/19/94) -1
“Basket Case” (peak: #1, debut: 7/16/94) -1 
“Welcome To Paradise” (peak: #7, debut: 9/24/94) 0
“When I Come Around” (peak: #1, debut: 12/3/94) -1
“She” (peak: #5, debut: 4/15/95) -1
“J.A.R.” (peak: #1, debut: 7/29/95) -1 
“Geek Stink Breath” (peak: #3, debut: 10/7/95) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -6

Why would I even do a post like this - for free, no less! - if I had no love for the Dookie hits? If you don't understand, and need to go to rock school, just read Pitchfork’s review. I’m mostly putting “Paradise” a notch down because I get restless and want to hear the others. Another hot take? I like Insomniac more than Dookie. Era-defining, open-hearted arena punk about romantic and sociopolitical anomie is great, but blitzing back crankier and heaver a year later, getting “methamphetamine” on the radio, is a terrific encore. 

Offspring
“Come Out And Play” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 5/28/94) -1
“Self Esteem” (peak: #4, debut: 8/13/94) -1
“Gotta Get Away” (peak: #6, debut: 11/26/94) 1
“Kick Em When He’s Down” (peak: #22, debut: 4/15/95) 0
“Smash It Up” (peak: #16, debut: 6/17/95) 0
“All I Want” (peak: #13, debut: 1/18/97) -1
“Gone Away” (peak: #4, debut: 3/8/97) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -3

Imagine conflating the appeal of Nirvana and Green Day so well that MTV & modern rock radio insist on making your Epitaph Records release multiplatinum. “Come Out And Play” might be the first skate-punk classic that was a chart hit when it came out, and is triumphantly riotous enough to merit the honor. The fraught friend-zone anecdote of “Self-Esteem” at least sounds more meditative than Puddle Of Mudd, but “Gotta Get Away” is just a grating rewrite of “About A Girl.” As the band pondered what to do next, eventually heading to the majors, Epitaph gave radio a song from an earlier album and Batman Forever gave radio a cover of The Damned (*shrugs*). While Ixnay On The Hombre's “All I Want” wasn’t as transcendent a slam-invite as “Come Out And Play,” “Gone Away” might be one of the best post-grunge power-ballads we got. It’s like somebody liposuctioned the irony out of Doolittle, leaving a wrecked Black Francis shrieking and hooting over martial drums and slicing power chords. Or if Bob Mould was as shameless as Rob Halford. 

RECAP: 311 and U2 each walk away with 4 shit points, while everyone else is happily in the negative numbers. But hold on! Round 1, Part 2 will feature 12 Alternative Radio Gods who showed up after The Offspring...so you know there's some contenders.

If you have something to tell me (and again, check Billboard and make sure they made the Alternative Airplay chart at least twenty times, before suggesting I forgot somebody), you can do it at anthonyisright at gmail dot com.