The New Bob Dylan 10-Inch I Got Sucks!!

I know it’s ridiculous to write a negative review of a song you bought for almost 2 million dollars that nobody else can even hear, let alone buy. But this “Ionic Original” 10-inch acetate of Bob Dylan re-recording “Blowin’ In The Wind” I got? It’s a piece of shit. I am so fucking mad. Countless people assume already I’m an idiot for spending so much money on this, and they’re goddamn right. I got suckered hard.

Full disclosure: I don’t have the most amazing stereo set-up in the world. A lot of audiophiles will say I’m in no position to judge this thing when I’m listening to it on a record player with a built-in preamp. But if this new technology from T-Bone Burnett is as great as he says, surely I should be in for a remarkable experience anyway. It’s not like I have a Crosley, it’s an Audio-Technica. It’s legit.

And for all I know, it is giving an exceptionally clear, crystalline experience of Bob Dylan singing in Los Angeles with a band recording in Nashville. In fact, that might explain the GODDAMN MOUSE CLICK two seconds before his voice comes in. Oh great, T-Bone! Glad to be in the room with you and your fucking MacBook, a Nobel Prize winning sage checking in over the phone. What the ever loving fuck?! I paid 2 million dollars to hear Bob Dylan SKYPE a hit to T-Bone Burnett? Great. That’s great. I could have kept a food bank flush for months with the money I spent to preserve a glorified Cameo call. I feel like a jackass.

I mean, I don’t know if it was a Skype call or whatever. THERE’S NO ARTWORK!!! THERE’S NO CREDITS LISTED!!! I mean, yeah, the speed with which this arrived is downright miraculous, but it was just a 10-inch record in a bubble mailer and a business card from Christie’s! No sleeve or anything! It plays fine, sure. Burnett told everybody this thing is impervious to wear and tear, and it may well be, though it’s not like I’m gonna try and scratch a record I spent all my fat stacks on just to find out. But you think they could spring for some cardboard.

I’m tempted to complain they left it on my doorstep, but apparently hand-delivery was opt-in and I didn’t click the button. They also did text twice and sent a photo when they dropped it off. My neighbors are cool and my doorway isn’t visible from the street, but I was still a little anxious driving back from Ralph’s.

Ok, so why I am so mad? Well, again, you can REALLY tell Dylan’s not in the room with them. Audio fidelity might be a demerit when you can hear two distinct sounds of people shifting in their chairs. I assume the cushiony noise is Dylan, and the roller chair is Burnett, but again: no photos, no credits, nothing. Either way, one of them loudly sits up after T-Bone says “we’re rolling, Bobby.” And how contrived is that? “Bobby”? Does he really call Dylan “Bobby”? Maybe when they’re going to walk away with six figures each for a quick run-through of one song. And if they have to incorporate this kind of faux-offhand nonsense, maybe Bob could have said something wry and cryptic to the listener. “Hello, Mr Jones,” maybe. “I don’t believe you…paid so much for this!” If I had a special message from Bob just for me I’d totally bump up my review a star or three. Maybe not even review it! But instead I get to be the only person on earth with a copy of T-Burnett sighing “beautiful” after the last saxophone fill. (Yes, there’s saxophone. It sounds like Dylan’s being backed by The Heights).

Despite the transparent cheap digital interface Dylan is singing into, the guy seems to have given this some professional effort. The tone is good natured and happy but not glib. It’s sort of like a lullaby to a grandkid, earnest but soothing. My only eyeroll regarding his performance is the intense pronunciation of “washed” as “warshed.” I don’t think it’s just a little slip of midland accent, based on the faint giggle from T-Bone after the line and the fact that Dylan has never sang it as “warshed” to the best of my knowledge before this. I’m sure fans will correct me if I’m wrong.

Honestly, the vocal is strong enough I’d happily return the acetate to T-Bone in exchange for sole ownership of the phone call (or better yet, FaceTime. That would fucking rule). Because then I wouldn’t have to hear this goddamn wedding band turning “Live 1966” into “Lithe 1986.” I swear to Christ, after the twenty second intro, I almost expected Al Jarreau to come in. Bass pops? A shaker? Again, A SAXOPHONE? Was this some kind of ironic commentary about audiophilia? Analog is the new digital, so the band should be dropping tasty, tinny licks like the days of headless basses and David Sanborn? Is this David Sanborn? Did they make him sign a NDA? It’s almost worse that the combo backs away every time Bob starts singing, since I know they’ll only wash back in like a toxic, red tide of call waiting music between each verse.

I know I’m a jackass for spending all this money and then complaining about it. I’m not even that big a fan of Dylan. I love the ‘60s stuff before he started singing with a clothespin on Nashville Skyline, and I like Blood On The Tracks. I recently discovered Street-Legal is kinda cool in a Lou Reed Take No Prisoners way, too. But the only album recorded in my lifetime I really love is 1993’s World Gone Wrong, which is just Dylan singing folk songs with acoustic guitar. Agnostic about his Don Juan Of The River Styx/Leonard Cohen Boogie work over the last 25 years, I was curious about him revisiting his own folk standard. I signed onto Christie’s almost as a joke and it just got the best of me (I once blew $200 in a New Orleans casino in 15 minutes. Never again! Or so I thought…).

I figured if it sucked I could still flip it for a profit, but I can’t in good conscience put this back into the wild. I’m better off letting people know what’s up so maybe people aren’t so quick to splurge when T-Bone and Bob issue “It Ain’t Me, Babe” in a couple months. Or even better, maybe they’ll make more of an effort to record something listenable. Maybe get Bob and the band in the same room? Whatever.  The guy’s ancient, recorded several people’s lives worth of great music. I’m the dum-dum who spent so much on this thing. I’m madder at myself more than Bob or maybe even T-Bone. I should have just ignored this thing rather than blown my inherited 401k on it. Even if I do break even passing it off to a Pharma bro, I’m now part of a culture I didn’t want or need anything to do with. Capitalism, yo. It's like the guy said, "don't follow leaders, something parking meters."