Round 5: Who's The Worst ALTERNATIVE RADIO GOD?

Previously: Round 1, pt 1. Round 1, pt. 2. Round 2, pt. 1. Round 2, pt. 2. Round 3, pt. 1. Round 3, pt. 2. Round 4.

After indulging two dozen alternative radio mainstays for about two dozen singles each, 311 still wore a crown of crap with 10 Shit Points, followed by Korn (9 Shit Points) and Papa Roach (7 Shit Points). But Foo Fighters turned toiletward with 5 Shit Points, The Offspring at 3 Shit Points. As those two bands have more potential stinkers in Round 5, could either unseat those nu-metal nasties? Let's find out, as we (dis)honor seven acts who've made Billboard's Alternative Airplay chart (once known as Modern Rock Songs) more than thirty times!

Remember: -1 Shit Points means I'm glad the song exists. 0 Shit Points means I don't really care, it's the radio, whatever. 1 Shit Point means I wish the song didn't exist. 2 Shit Points, or a DEUCE, means I wish it didn't exist, and it made the chart's Top 5. Inescapability definitely makes a bad song worse.

U2
“Stuck In A Moment That You Can’t Get Out Of” (alternative chart peak: #35, debut week: 9/15/01) 0
“Electrical Storm” (peak: #14. debut: 9/21/02) 1
“Vertigo” (peak: #1, debut: 10/9/04) -1
“All Because Of You” (peak: #6, debut: 12/18/04) 0
“Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own” (peak: #29, debut: 3/19/05) 0
“The Saints Are Coming” (peak: #22, debut: 10/14/06) 0
“Window In The Skies” (peak: #32, debut: 12/2/06) 0
Shit Points (Round 5): 0

U2’s campaign for All That You Can’t Leave Behind ended with a gentle jingle for Miralax, or a gospel-tinged plea to carry on, depending on your perspective. 2002’s Best Of 1990-2000 organized that decade’s rise, fall and mid into an awkward casserole, the queasy “Electrical Storm” not helping. Apple and U2 began their grand love affair with the iPod ad campaign centered around “Vertigo,” which resembles Enrique Iglesias paying tribute to REM’s Monster (so not derogatory). “All Because Of You” is a tribute to The Who that’s nearly as raucous, but Bono forgets twirling a microphone is more Roger Daltrey than wanly wailing over the guitar break. I’m not sure why “City Of Blinding Lights” failed to chart (it reached the Adult Alternative Top 5!), but I can still share my “this here’s a song Coldplay stole from us…tonight, we’re stealing it back!” joke, as it also applies to “Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own.” The Miralax joke, too!

How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, the album responsible for the previous three singles, won Album Of The Year at the Grammys, their first since The Joshua Tree (Achtung lost to Eric Clapton’s Unplugged, All That You Can’t Leave Behind to O Brother, Where Art Thou?). Firmly ensconced as the biggest post-punk band on the planet, Green Day joining them for that Skids cover at the Superdome, it was time for another hits compilation. International editions open with “I Will Follow,” but America’s U218 Singles kicks off with “Beautiful Day,” ignores Zooropa and Pop, goes no earlier than “New Years Day,” and ends with “Window In The Skies,” a vaguely Lennon-esque trifle (“the sky above our head/ we can reach it from our bed”) with a clumsy bridge, produced by Rick Rubin. Up next: a musical about Spider-Man! Or was it?

Pearl Jam
“I Am Mine” (alternative chart peak: #6, debut week: 10/5/02) 0
“Save You” (peak: #29, debut: 1/4/03) -1
“World Wide Suicide” (peak: #1, debut: 3/25/06) -1
“Life Wasted” (peak: #10, debut: 6/10/06) -1
“Gone” (peak: #40, debut: 9/30/06) 0
“Brother” (peak: #1, debut: 3/7/09) 0
“The Fixer” (peak: #1, debut: 8/8/09) -1
Shit Points (Round 5): -4

Seemingly unfazed by Creed taking their multi-platinum lunch, Pearl Jam continued down their comparatively chill path on 2002’s Riot Act. Much of the album was recorded live, the band now joined by a Hawaiian hippie named Boom, ten years their senior, on Hammond and Rhodes organs. Having finished their contract with Epic Records, the label dropped a double-disc of hits and a double-disc of rarities, the band touring and debating the coolest way to deal with major label distribution in the future.

Surprisingly, the band wound up in the arms of industry powerhouse Clive Davis, his J Records releasing their self-titled eighth album in 2006. “World Wide Suicide” was Pearl Jam’s first single to merit the term “ramalama” in over a decade, Vedder a-quiver and a-holler with angry authority as the band raced behind him (Soundgarden’s Matt Cameron in the drum seat since Binaural, by the way). “Life Wasted” rip-roared as well, the offensiveness of the Dubya administration, or the delicate administrations of Clive, smacking the self-consciousness out of the band. “Gone” paled in comparison to melodramatic ballads past, but Pearl Jam finally sounded comfortable as Pearl Jam.

Relationships with Epic/Sony had relaxed (good thing, considering Sony owned J at this point), and a massive reissue of Ten came in 2009, its fiery outtake “Brother” topping airplay. The arrival of the Obama age further softened Pearl Jam’s relationship with commerce: the band that once refused to make videos was now doing an ad for Target, the exclusive North American outlet for that year’s Backspacer! “The Fixer” might be the most cheerful single in Pearl Jam history, jumpy and jangling like Eddie Vedder & The Heartbreakers. Neoliberalism for the win!

Red Hot Chili Peppers
“Monarchy Of Roses” (alternative chart peak: #4, debut week: 11/05/11) -1
“Look Around” (peak: #8, debut: 2/25/12) 1
“Dark Necessities” (peak: #1, debut: 5/21/16) 2
“Go Robot” (peak: #12, debut: 10/8/16) 0
“Goodbye Angels” (peak: #25, debut: 5/6/17) 1
“Black Summer” (peak: #1, debut: 2/12/22) 0
“These Are The Ways” (peak: #28, debut: 7/2/22) 1
Shit Points (Round 5): 4

“Monarchy Of Roses” entertains me from its goofy title on down, but most of the Josh Klinghoffer-era singles suffer from each member politely staying in their lane, Anthony Kiedis naturally pulling focus through his relative lack of musicianship. This is especially an issue on the songs from 2016’s The Getaway, with new producer Danger Mouse pro-tooling the band into anonymity, Tony Flow left to his own silly-if-sensitive devices. Mr. Mouse fought to get the dull “Dark Necessities” released as a single before the perkier, label-preferred “Go Robot,” his victory earning the band a promo-pushed DEUCE.

John Frusciante, refreshed, tired of electronica, or missing the cash flow, patched things up with Flea and knocked his former assistant back off stage, Klinghoffer at least getting to keep his absurd Rock’n’Roll Hall of Fame induction. Reuniting with Rick Rubin as well, the classic Californication quartet recorded and put out an ungodly amount of music in 2022, launching the campaign with “Black Summer,” sadly not a belated love theme for the Netflix zombie series I couldn’t love more. Kiedis’ pseudo-Irish accent on the track was reportedly a tribute to Welsh artist Cate Le Bon, a bizarre detail that underscores the band’s biggest problem: everyone’s so inured to the singer’s shtick that he could probably perform "One Week" in German over a jam without anyone noticing. While the instrumental trio overcome his pirate voice on “Summer,” I can’t get over the next single’s chorus: “these are the ways when you come from America/ the sights, the sounds, the smells.” Three hours of songs in the tank and the second song for radio refers to the smells. The smells of America. Corny as he is, together we cry.

Green Day
“Let Yourself Go” (alternative chart peak: #17, debut week: 10/6/12) -1
“X-Kid” (peak: #35, debut: 3/16/13) 0
“Bang Bang” (peak: #1, debut: 8/27/16) 0
“Still Breathing” (peak: #1, debut: 11/19/16) 0
“Revolution Radio” (peak: #21, debut: 6/24/17) -1
“Father Of All...” (peak: #3, debut: 9/21/19) -1
“Oh Yeah!” (peak: #1, debut: 2/1/20) -1
Shit Points (Round 5): -4

I couldn’t imagine Green Day recording a worthwhile song after the slovenly babble of “Oh Love,” and the dulled edge of later titles never merited a closer look. So imagine my surprise that “Let Yourself Go,” the second single from Uno!, though still inane (the second person is used accusingly in the verse and encouragingly in the chorus), is almost as endearingly brisk and animated as their ‘90s work. “X-Kid,” from Tre!, recalls thoughtful numbers past until you actually try to follow the lyrics. Amid the 2012 album deluge, Billie Joe Armstrong loudly lost his shit at the IHeartRadio Festival in Vegas, screaming that he’s not Justin Bieber and that he deserves some goddamn respect. While this display didn't earn respect, it gave some of us plenty of schadenfreude. 

A year in rehab, some acting gigs, an album of Everly Bros-style duets with Norah Jones and a stint playing with the Replacements on stage followed for Armstrong, Green Day taking their sweet time before releasing 2016’s Quatro! Or rather, Revolution Radio. The punk rock word salad remains, but the singles - particularly the title track - have more speed and crunch than their ‘00s output. Bringing in pop-punk whisperer Butch Walker to co-produce 2020’s Father Of All Motherfuckers, the band took unprecedentedly extreme sonic risks. Though a title like “Oh Yeah!” might suggest creative bankruptcy, it’s actually the slinkiest single of their career (slinky! Green Day!), recalling ‘90s glam like Imperial Drag and hooked around a Gary Glitter interpolation. While most rock acts eventually lose the lyrical script, it’s rare one makes up for it by leaning into bubblegum like this.

Foo Fighters 
“Congregation” (alternative chart peak: #5, debut week: 2/28/15) 0
“Outside” (peak: #11, debut: 8/22/15) 0
“Saint Cecilia” (peak: #12, debut: 12/19/15) 0
“Run” (peak: #9, debut: 6/17/17) 0
“The Sky Is A Neighborhood” (peak: #7, debut: 9/16/17) 1
“The Line” (peak: #30, debut: 5/26/18) 0
“Shame Shame” (peak: #10, debut: 11/21/20) -1
Shit Points (Round 5): 0

The L.A. episode of Sonic Highways was the most offensive on principle, Dave Grohl mostly ignoring the sprawl to praise his cool desert rock friends, even though more than half the band are SoCal natives. Ironically, the related “Outside” is the most enjoyable of the album’s push tracks, benefitting from drummer Taylor Hawkins threatening to walk if they didn’t have Joe Walsh do the guitar solo instead of Josh Homme or whatever. “Saint Cecilia,” a rush-recorded tribute to rock’n’roll salvation at the end of the Highways tour, is shockingly devoid of audio IBS, aside from lyrics about needing healing and not being able to keep the feeling down anymore.

Greg Kurstin (an astute pop producer for aging alt-acts, as he was the “Geggy” in Geggy Tah) co-produced 2017’s Concrete And Gold, explaining how “Run” isn’t a chore despite a length north of five minutes. Still, “The Sky Is A Neighborhood,” a grunted psychedelic soul stomp inspired by Neil DeGrasse Tyson (yeesh), feels excruciatingly longer than its four minutes. Kurstin co-produced 2021’s Medicine At Midnight as well, “Shame Shame” a beguiling cross between “Cry Me A River” and “When The Levee Breaks” I wouldn’t think Dave had in him. Congrats on succeeding where Chris Cornell and Timbaland failed, Geggy!

Weezer
“Can’t Knock The Hustle” (alternative chart peak: #10, debut week: 10/27/18) 1
“The End Of The Game” (peak: #2, debut: 9/21/19) 0
“Hero” (peak: #1, debut: 5/23/20) 2
“All My Favorite Songs” (peak: #1, debut: 1/30/21) 0
“A Little Bit Of Love” (peak: #1, debut: 3/26/22) 2
“Records” (peak: #1, debut: 8/13/22) 0 
Shit Points (Round 5): 5

Weezer followed the surprise success of their Toto cover with a novelty song from an Uber driver’s point of view, its mariachi hooks more Offspring than Harry Chapin (sad fun fact: Dave Sitek of TV On The Radio produced!). “The End Of The Game” revealed the upcoming Van Weezer would rightly feature more hammer-ons and metal flash than usual, though “Hero” confirmed Rivers Cuomo’s ever more agonized explorations of the manchild mindset would be included as well. “They build you up and then they’re gonna tear you down/ they love you, then they hate you if you wear a crown.” Who am I to contradict him? DEUCE.

With COVID lockdown interrupting their touring plans, Van Weezer wasn’t released until May 2021, preceded by the orchestral exercise OK Human in January. Despite its flattening digital mix, “All My Favorite Songs” benefits from the unique arrangement; someday I’ll find out how Human compares to The Beach Boys Love You in terms of thumbsucker studio-pop. “A Little Bit Of Love,” the first song from 4 seasonal EPs in 2022, pales to Ed Sheeran in terms of jaunty, vaguely Celtic folk-pop. DEUCE. “Records,” from the SZNZ: Summer EP, suggests escaping into other people’s albums when we get sick of Weezer-hate. Fair!

The Offspring
“Behind Your Walls” (alternative chart peak: #19, debut week: 5/7/22) 0
“Make It All Right” (peak: #2, debut: 6/22/24) 0
“OK, But This Is The Last Time” (peak: #2, debut: 11/2/24) 2
“Looking Out For #1” (peak: #40, debut: 8/23/25) 1
Shit Points (Round 5): 3

When we started our journey, The Offspring was a goofy OC band on little bitty Epitaph Records that accidentally combined grunge and punk in way kids and radio couldn’t resist. Thirty years later, following sojourns in the world of novelty pop and major label moolah, the band was basically a chance for molecular biologist Dexter Holland, one-time Metallica producer Bob Rock, and guitarist Noodles to hang out and record genre exercises. And if you'd guess their 2024 album Supercharged doesn’t merit the electrified pretensions of its title and cover, you’re goddamn right.

Blink-182 earns the sincerest form of flattery on Supercharged, Dexter practically duetting with himself to achieve their sonic stamp on the opening single. As embarrassing as that is, the digitally-assisted DeLonge-isms on “OK, But This Is The Last Time” are even more grating. DEUCE. “Looking Out For #1,” rather than a BTO cover, is more audibly an Offspring original, with its cranky politics, punched-in title hook and blitzing chorus. It also sounds like an AI “Weird” Al Yankovic with a head cold. I’d express more surprise in Holland’s double-life as a Ph.D, if I hadn’t once seen a professor sing the first verse of “Add It Up” shirtless on his knees, during a department party at a bar across from Penn State. I know Dexter’s living the dream.

THE SHITTY SEVEN
311 (FINAL SCORE): 10 Shit Points
Korn (FINAL SCORE): 9 Shit Points
Papa Roach (FINAL SCORE): 7 Shit Points
The Offspring (FINAL SCORE): 6 Shit Points
Foo Fighters (FIVE ROUNDS): 5 Shit Points
Cage The Elephant (FINAL SCORE): 2 Shit Points
Blink-182 (FINAL SCORE): 1 Shit Point

The podium remains pure rap-metal, with Dave not producing enough shit - and Dexter not having enough hits - to get either Foo Fighters or The Offspring past Papa Roach, Korn and 311. However, the Foos have enough potentials logs left to log that they could grab the gold in Round 6! But is anyone else around to join them?

IN THE NEGATIVE, COULD STILL TURN TURD IN FUTURE ROUNDS
U2 holds at 0 Shit Points, everything after U218 Singles to come.

OUT OF CHARTING SINGLES, OFFICIALLY UNSHITTY
My enthusiasm for Weezer’s first ten years managed to outshine my frequent annoyance at the following twenty, the band achieving a final tally of -3 Shit Points. Yay.

HAD MORE HITS, BUT COULDN’T BE SHIT
Despite a distressing Round 5, Red Hot Chili Peppers only have two more charting singles to consider, and -5 Shit Points. So nothing but morbid curiosity compels me to hear “Tippa My Tongue.” Pearl Jam has eight more charting songs to go, including a true DEUCE that had me cackling in disbelief on Sirius-serenaded commutes. But even if every one is a mud pie, the collective crapola would be outweighed by their current standing at -11 Shit Points. 

Green Day’s surprise comeback from craptown has them at -14 Shit Points, not just rendering their remaining five charters moot, but tying them with Linkin Park for second best-in-show behind Beck. I was wrong to dismiss the Berkeley trio, at least as pleasant radio fodder!

Basically, two questions remain. One: is U2 - as an alternative radio act from 1988 to the present day - cumulatively shitty? Two: is Foo Fighters - as an alternative radio act from 1994 to the present day - cumulatively the shittiest? We’ll find out in Round 6…or the UFoo Butthole Royale! After which, I’ll hopefully have all these crude puns out of my system.

If you want to tell me thanks for all the fecal humor, or that you need to know how many Shit Points "Tippa My Tongue" or Green Day's "Pollyanna" might merit, send your pleas and praise to anthonyisright at gmail dot com.