Round 3, Pt. 2: Who's The Worst ALTERNATIVE RADIO GOD?

Previously: Round 1, pt 1. Round 1, pt. 2. Round 2, pt. 1. Round 2, pt. 2. Round 3, pt. 1.

We're reaching the end of Round 3, after which we'll say goodbye to more than half the acts, who either haven't had more than 21 singles on Billboard's Alternative Airplay chart (formerly Modern Rock Songs), or couldn't possibly find themselves with Shit Points based on their remaining hits. 311 is currently the leaker of the pack with 11 Shit Points, but could Papa Roach (7 Shit Points), Korn (6 Shit Points) or Cage The Elephant (2 Shit Points) make headway below? Let's find out!

Remember: -1 Shit Points means I'm glad the song exists. 0 Shit Points means I don't really care, it's the radio, whatever. 1 Shit Point means I wish the song didn't exist. 2 Shit Points, or a DEUCE, means I wish it didn't exist, and it made the chart's Top 5. Inescapability definitely makes a bad song worse.

Beck
“Think I’m In Love” (alternative chart peak: #22, debut week: 12/23/06) -1
“Timebomb” (peak: #29, debut: 9/15/07) 0
“Gamma Ray” (peak: #19, debut: 7/12/08) 0
“Blue Moon” (peak: #31, debut: 4/12/14) 0
“Dreams” (peak: #2, debut: 7/4/15) -1
“Wow” (peak: #10, debut: 6/18/16) -1 
“Up All Night” (peak: #1, debut: 9/23/17) -1
Shit Points (Round 3): -4

If you want to know my perspective on latter-day Beckola, you can read my Beck: 21st Century Masters post, which includes a playlist featuring three of these songs. The only reason “Up All Night” isn’t on it is because there were three songs on Colors, his 21st century pop peak, I wanted to include more. The three songs with zeroes next to them aren’t bad, but didn’t have much chance of making the playlist. Beck: if his cheeky, obtuse, psychedelic hip-pop isn’t fun enough for you, I’d suggest never wasting another minute on “alternative rock” again.

Korn
“Freak On A Leash - Live” (alternative chart peak: #29, debut week: 2/24/07) 0
“Evolution” (peak: #20, debut: 6/9/07) 1
“Hold On” (peak: #35, debut: 12/29/07) 1
“Oildale (Leave Me Alone)” (peak: #29, debut: 5/29/10) 1
“Get Up!” (peak: #26, debut: 6/4/11) 0
“Narcissistic Cannibal” (peak: #18, debut: 11/12/11) 0
“Never Never” (peak: #36, debut: 11/16/13) 0
Shit Points (Round 3): 3

Though Amy Lee’s Evanescence made the alternative airplay chart earlier this year, they’ve only placed eight songs on it since “Bring Me To Life” in 2003, not including Lee’s valiant attempt to harmonize with Jonathan Davis on “Freak On A Leash” for MTV Unplugged. Following that poignant sojourn, Korn continued its collaboration with Atticus Ross and the Matrix on their untitled 2007 album, its singles predictably professionally turgid. Original producer Ross Robinson came back for Korn III in 2010, restoring the band’s sense of melodrama and the rhythm section’s “flat tire in mud” vibe. Davis unfortunately experiences no similar rejuvenation. 

Dubstep DJ Skrillex produced the first two singles on 2011’s The Way To Totality, putting his shrill sonic violence well above the band in the mix, inspiring Davis to…be exactly the same. (note to self: revisit ‘10s Skrillex). Don Gilmore, producer of Linkin Park’s first two albums, took the reins on 2013's The Paradigm Shift and their first single that actually works as pop since the ‘90s. “Never Never” features not just dubstep scrapes but background harmonies, and a vocal from Davis that almost isn’t joyless. "Never," their first #1 on the mainstream rock chart, barely made alternative airplay, and is their last appearance to date. Not even Requiem’s “Start The Healing," which reached #2 over there in 2022, made the cut. That one's barely recognizable as Korn, sounding more like a parody of Nine Inch Nails. Evolution, indeed!

Linkin Park
“Given Up” (alternative chart peak: #4, debut week: 3/22/08) 0
“Leave Out All The Rest” (peak: #11, debut: 8/16/08) -1
“New Divide” (peak: #1, debut: 6/6/09) -1
“The Catalyst” (peak: #1, debut: 8/21/10) 0
“Waiting For The End” (peak: #1, debut: 9/25/10) -1
“Iridescent” (peak: #19, debut: 5/14/11) 1
“Burn It Down” (peak: #1, debut: 5/5/12) -1
Shit Points (Round 3): -3

The Minutes To Midnight campaign ended with a thin punk-metal scream highlighted by a bananas bridge, and another apocalyptic NSYNC ballad. 2009 brought the love theme from Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, a top ten pop hit that’s far better space opera than the movie (and yes, the bridge is bananas). After three multi-platinum smashes in a row, no one could blame these nerds for cashing in their pop cred with 2010’s A Thousand Suns, a concept album about nuclear war, the first single resembling EDM Queensryche. Not done synthesizing earlier eras of adolescent sensitivity, “Waiting For The End” is a gobsmacking marvel that dares to blend Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water" with The Flys’ “Got You (Where I Want You).” Actually, “Bridge” doesn’t have post-Everly harmonies, and “Waiting For The End” does. I shit you not. “Iridescent” is dull Coldpleche Mode in comparison. 

“Burn It Down,” the first single from 2012’s Living Things, may be their finest Depeche Metal, the lyric and beat more than worthy of Dave Gahan’s twirl and croon. Mike Shinoda, despite producing the previous three albums with Rick Rubin (which probably means by himself), still raps like Andy Samberg. But - like Rick, apparently - I’ll let it slide. 

Weezer
“Pork And Beans” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 5/3/08) -1
“Troublemaker” (peak: #2, debut: 7/26/08) 0
“The Greatest Man That Ever Lived” (peak: #35, debut: 1/31/09) 1
“(If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To” (peak: #2, 9/5/09) -1
“I’m Your Daddy” (peak: #18, debut: 2/20/10) 1
“Tripping Down The Freeway” (peak: #34, debut: 7/30/10) 0
“Memories” (peak: #21, debut: 8/28/10) -1
Shit Points (Round 3): -1

Oh, man. As a glib xennial who gets why the now-very-olds hate MTV Aerosmith, but would never personally deny myself those crass, commercial pleasures, I’m starting to understand why so many kids of all ages haven’t turned on Weezer. “Pork And Beans” I always liked, Cuomo pointedly reviving Blue Album guitar crunch to tell off helpful label honchos like Jimmy Iovine, notorious for bringing up Timbaland at every rock A&R meeting (eventually leading to that Chris Cornell album). Now, if I hold back the complicit cringe inspired by Rivers describing his childhood nerd-macho will to power, I have to admit “Troublemaker” is awfully catchy. “Dude, Rivers was always a corny-horny manchild redeemed by hooks!” No, no! It was different on the early albums…it was different…he wouldn’t have rhymed troublemaker with double-taker…he wouldn’t…

I can fully resist “The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived,” another multi-part horseshit ‘00s alt novelty we can thank “Jesus Of Suburbia” for. But “(If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To,” the first single from 2009’s Raditude (…), is post-prime Weezer at its most effusively adorable. “I’m Your Daddy” might be as well, if Rivers didn’t make the titular claim. I know I called out Dexter Holland for bemoaning paternal pet names on The Offspring’s “She’s Got Issues,” but there’s a difference between resenting a loaded term of affection and applying it to yourself. And I did not give Rivers consent. 

“Tripping Down The Freeway” is like an awkwardly gauche Uber driver who’s only getting five stars on principle. “Memories” is like if the driver told you some amazing anecdotes about working security for Lollapalooza ’96. Maybe he’s a little impolitic, a little tacky, and you won’t go to his DJ night. Still, there’s no denying your life has been improved by learning what one of the Screaming Trees did to Lars Ulrich (a secondhand anecdote you’ll share forever). And he was so impressed you remembered Psychotica. He’s getting five stars and some extra exclamation points of gratitude in the comment. Oh, man. The ’90s. Goddamn it, Rivers.

Papa Roach
“Burn” (alternative chart peak: #17, debut week: 2/26/11) 0
“Still Swingin'” (peak: #32, debut: 9/1/12) -1
“Help” (peak: #37, debut: 5/13/17) 1
“Kill The Noise” (peak: #33, debut: 10/30/21) 0
“No Apologies” (peak: #34, debut: 9/24/22) 1
“Leave A Light On” (peak: #11, debut: 1/20/24) 0
“Even If It Kills Me” (peak: #6, debut: 4/5/25) -1
Shit Points (Round 3): 0

Jacoby Shaddix would lose his Uber contract within 24 hours, and definitely should. An ok enough anti-valentine to a "fake" was followed in 2012 by a manic high celebrating a decade in the game (“we’re never coming down!”). Only nothing from the 2015 album escaped the hell of “Mainstream Rock,” and the very first words on their return to alt airplay in 2017 were “I think I need help.” The ironically noise-bolstered “Kill The Noise” and the ironically forgiving (lyrically, not sonically) “No Apologies” cracked our chart of choice, just two of their five mainstream number ones between “Help” and “Leave A Light On,” an orchestral message of concern they let Carrie Underwood co-sign on a remix. Last spring’s “Even If It Kills Me” was their first alternative top 10 since the ‘00s, featuring Nine Inch Nails levels of anguished audio entertainment (that sample on the bridge, omg). Hey, NIN returned to the Top 5 this year, too! The ‘00s are back!

An important retraction: despite the disturbing depths of mood (still) swingin' Papa Roach has shared with us, Shaddix has been married to the same woman since before “Last Resort.” He's got adult children, sings at church, and appears to be nowhere near the millennial Vince Neil you may assume. It’s quite possible he’d be a lovely Uber driver. Though I'd speak up if he asks what kind of music you want to hear. 

Coldplay
“Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall” (alternative chart peak: #4, debut week : 6/8/11) 0
“Paradise” (peak: #1, debut: 10/1/11) 2
“Charlie Brown” (peak: #6, debut: 2/4/12) 0
“Hurts Like Heaven” (peak: #27, debut: 9/1/12) -1
“Atlas” (peak: #18, debut: 9/28/13) 0
“Magic” (peak: #6, debut: 3/22/14) -1
“Sky Full Of Stars” (peak: #5, debut: 6/7/14) -1
Shit Points (Round 3): -1

I might be all in for the euphoric jangle-rave of “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall” if I’d encountered it buzzing at a wedding reception, but even there I could think it’s a hook or five short of epic catharsis. “Paradise” is the DEUCE many assume every Coldplay song is, a post-U2 jingle of staggering grandiosity considering Sting would be too proud to put this wisp of a lyric in a fortune cookie. The Police would likely love to claim the brisk “Hurts Likes Heaven,” the only single on Mylo Xyloto I can fully get behind (well, Andy'd shirk at the excess of Edge echo).

The snoozy love theme from The Hunger Games II: The Legend Of Peeta’s Bread held no promise for the future, but the hits from 2014’s Ghost Stories gain weight from Chris Martin’s mid-divorce desire for romantic escape on the dance floor. “Magic” might be the mainstream’s best tribute to the muted throb of the xx, and “A Sky Full Of Stars” updates “Yellow” with EDM and a subtle loss of innocence. Of course, I understand if these nuances in the songbook of a bright-eyed Bono wanna-be are beneath you.

Blink-182
“After Midnight” (alternative chart peak: #7, debut week: 10/22/11) 0
“Bored To Death” (peak: #1, debut: 5/14/16) 0
“She’s Out Of Her Mind” (peak: #1, debut: 10/22/16) 2
“Home Is Such A Lonely Place” (peak: #32, debut: 6/3/17) 1
“Blame It On My Youth” (peak: #11, debut: 5/18/19) 1
“I Really Wish I Hated You” (peak: #13, debut: 10/5/19) 1
“EDGING” (peak: #1, debut: 10/22/22) 0
Shit Points (Round 3): 5

With only one modest reunion album and EP since Tom DeLonge’s 2009 return, the nasal prodigal left again to further focus on all things alien. Instead of reviving the +44 sideproject from his last departure, Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker brought in Matt Skiba from Alkaline Trio as the new tenor. I was able to laugh, as I knew my college buddies who worshipped the Trio’s early alcoholic indie-punk had already emotionally detached during the band's descent into pop-goth cliche, and wouldn’t hurt themselves.

“Bored To Death,” Skiba-182’s introduction to the world, was cannily more of the same, but “She’s Out Of Her Mind” was somehow sub-Offspring in its banal mockery of a cuh-razy girlfriend (“she’s got a black shirt, black skirt and Bauhaus stuck in her head” - zing?). DEUCE. Skiba’s shiftless non-presence may have covered for DeLonge on stage, but 2016’s California and 2019’s NINE were remarkably dull attempts at brand upkeep, the wan self-parody of “Blame It On My Youth” in particular deserving a deuce, except it didn't even make alt-airplay’s Top 10. An unconscionably sloppy, telling detail: the narrator of the near-Soundcloud rap “I Really Wish I Hated You” says “I hate you” in the pre-chorus.

UFO research failing to fund itself, DeLonge returned to the group in 2022, Skiba unceremoniously dispatched via Instagram message (how I wish I could tell 2002 me about this). Though a single named “EDGING” suggested a return to brazen button-pushing, the song doesn’t actually include the title or acknowledge the fetish. It’s just an old-school lope about how unrepentantly bad-ass these guys are. Again, sloppy.

Rise Against
“Tragedy + Time” (alternative chart peak: #26, debut week: 11/29/14) 0
“The Violence” (peak: #15, debut: 5/13/17) 0
“House On Fire” (peak: #15, debut: 1/27/18) 0
“Nowhere Generation” (peak: #9, debut: 3/27/21) 1
“Talking To Ourselves” (peak: #21, debut: 10/30/21) -1
“Nod” (peak: #28, debut: 2/15/25) 0
“I Want It All” (peak: #38, debut: 6/28/25) 1
Shit Points (Round 3): 1

It can be surreal going through twenty years of a 21st century band’s singles in a couple weeks, admiring their initially refreshing zeal and watching it, however understandably, devolve in to mere professionalism. After all, there’s only twenty years between Led Zeppelin and Jimmy Page’s Outrider! I’m actually a touch younger than singer Tim McIlrath, but it remains a trip to go from “hey, these kids were all right!” in September to “maybe you’d rather do an anniversary tour?” in October.

Rise Against's singles don’t go from diminishing returns to outright annoyance until the title track of 2021’s Nowhere Generation, which attempts to lead the Black Parade in My Chemical Romance’s absence, fuck if I can tell which generation is the nowhere one. “Talking To Ourselves” reclaims their mindful muscle, but - despite bringing in Boygenius’ producer - the singles on this year’s Ricochet don’t reinvent the wheel, so much as add an obnoxious hubcap. “I Want It All”'s shouty headbang-bait in particular will send olds off to their bathroom break at shows.

Muse
“Dead Inside” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 4/11/15) -1
“Mercy” (peak: #10, debut: 8/8/15) -1
“Dig Down” (peak: #3, debut: 6/3/17) 0
“Thought Contagion” (peak: #1, debut: 2/24/18) -1
“Something Human” (peak: #10, debut: 7/28/18) 1
“Pressure” (peak: #5, debut: 10/27/18) 0
“Won’t Stand Down” (peak: #3, debut: 1/22/22) 0
Shit Points (Round 3): -2

Mutt Lange’s presence behind the board on 2015’s Drones didn’t change Muse’s aesthetic much, his merciless hook-sense not keeping “Dead Inside” from being another cocky strut and “Mercy” from being a “Starlight” rewrite. This was probably a good thing in the long run, as Lange’s ‘80s charges usually were bereft without him (Flick Of The Switch! Door To Door!), and Muse kept right on with the Jeff Buckley dubstep and Flash Gordon fireworks on 2018’s Simulation Theory. Only “Thought Contagion” truly brings the heat, though, thundering through a squealing guitar break and lyrics like “it’s too late for a revolution/ brace for the final solution!” “Something Human,” with its island lilt, synth squiggles and Matt Bellamy taking five seconds to say the word “touch” (I counted), is an erotic nadir, and Muse’s first single too campy for me to countenance. 

Alerting the masses of 2022’s Will Of The People, “Won’t Stand Down” tries to have its cake and play basketball with it too, leaping from heavy metal thunder to operatic synth drama as they reaffirm that Muse is not going down without a fight. I wonder if Danny Elfman stays so fit because he knows these guys are ready if and when Tim Burton needs their help. 

The Killers
“The Man” (peak: #2, debut: 7/01/17) 0
“Run For Cover” (peak: #5, debut: 12/2/17) -1
“Caution” (peak: #1, debut: 3/21/20) 0
“My Own Soul’s Warning” (peak: #7, debut: 6/27/20) -1
“Boy” (peak: #1, debut: 8/13/22) -1
“Your Side Of Town” (peak: #6, debut: 9/9/23) 0
“Bright Lights” (peak: #37, debut: 9/28/24) 1
Shit Points (Round 3): -2

Treated as a comeback upon release in 2017, five years after their last florid full-length, the tongue-in-cheek techno-bravura of “The Man” feels awkward from a group that never seemed self-aware about their grandiosity before. The frantic panic of “Run For Cover,” its wacky, wordy verses oddly reminiscent of later Rivers Cuomo, is more endearing in its relative inscrutability. The singles from 2020’s Imploding The Mirage similarly race with shimmering ‘80s effects, though I can’t forgive the literal half-cliche of “I’m throwing caution.” 

No singles were released from their 2021 album, making it none of my business. But “What if the ‘e’ in E Street Band stood for 'ecstasy'?” remains the thesis on the new songs from their double CD best-of, “Boy” one of their finest fever dreams. I do wish “Your Side Of Town” had been a vocoder-laden Pet Shop Boys cover instead of a homage. They’re not smart enough for that. The Killers are capable of a frenzied Neil Diamond homage, and one was released to coincide with a Vegas residency celebrating Hot Fuss’ 20th Anniversary. I aged ten years typing that sentence. 

Cage The Elephant
“Ready To Let Go” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 2/09/19) 0
“Social Cues” (peak: #1, debut: 10/19/19) -1
“Black Madonna” (peak: #2, debut: 1/25/20) 0
“Skin And Bones” (peak: #1, debut: 10/24/20) 0
“Neon Pill” (peak: #1, debut: 2/3/24) 0
“Rainbow” (peak: #1, debut: 7/06/24) 0
“Metaverse” (peak: #1, debut: 1/25/25) -1
Shit Points (Round 3):  -2

As I said last round, a shtickier singer is grating when emulating Jack White, but not the worst idea when aping the Black Keys. 2009’s Social Cues found Cage The Elephant still on the twinkle-twist tip, leader Matt Shultz’s cute-poot drawl still a bit much. Ironically, the self-pitying title track is the most seductive of the singles, Shultz explicitly noting their alt-radio success. A sign of how little terrestrial radio means: I don’t recall anyone mentioning Cage The Elephant’s chart-topper of the same name when the DJ Black Madonna grudgingly changed her name to Blessed Madonna in 2020. They won best Rock Album at the Grammys that year, too! I might give that track or “Skin And Bones” 2 Shit Points if I had to hear it all the time. From this dilettantish distance, the backdrops are so pleasantly drowsy I can’t be bothered.

2024’s Neon Pill actually improves on the band’s IKEA-core, with tastier instrumental hooks and Shultz weaving between the instruments rather than yelping over them. “Metaverse” may be the best Strokes song since Phoenix’s “Listzomania”! After Round 1, I worried these guys would deuce their way to the top by default, but it turns out their success is due to not being offensive. Who could have guessed?

twenty one pilots
“Shy Away” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 4/17/21) -1
“Saturday” (peak: #1, debut: 6/26/21) -1
“The Outside” (peak: #1, debut: 11/20/21) -1
“Overcompensate” (peak: #2, debut: 3/9/24) 0
“The Craving” (peak: #2, debut: 6/8/24) 0
 “Routines In The Night” (peak: #19, 11/16/24) -1
“The Line” (peak: #1, debut: 12/7/24) 2
Shit Points (Round 3): -2

While only one single was actually co-produced with Greg Kurstin (a tribute to the weekend, lol), all the singles from 2021’s Scaled & Icy are infectious roller-rink pop rather than the stylistic grab-bags twenty one pilots is known for. Maybe that older sibling’s college CD binder had a Self album or two in it? “Overcompensate” brings back the busyness to announce 2024’s Clancy, featuring a minute of psychedelic loop fanfare before Tyler Joseph starts rapping as titular character. A vulnerable country ballad with a whistle hook followed, the single mix far brisker than the album version on Clancy. Though it's less ambitious, I’m most appreciative for the disco tribute to late night walks while the city sleeps. 

“Anthony,” you might ask. “How could twenty one pilots get a DEUCE out of you? You’re not even annoyed by ‘Stressed Out’ anymore!” Well, I suppose they could record a piano ballad backed by orchestra swells and skittering, lite drum’n’bass percussion that never upends the bland familiarity, achieves real drama (despite a climactic high note), or even clarifies what “the line” is that the narrator may cross. And while I don’t want to hold its origin as a love theme from Arcane: League Of Legends against it, my obliviousness to all things League Of Legends definitely doesn’t help here. Yes, I suppose a negligible attempt at video game gravitas could earn one. And so it has.

THE FOUL FIVE
311 (3 ROUNDS): 11 Shit Points
KORN (FINAL SCORE): 9 Shit Points
PAPA ROACH (FINAL SCORE): 7 Shit Points
CAGE THE ELEPHANT (FINAL SCORE): 2 Shit Points
THE OFFSPRING (3 ROUNDS): 1 Shit Point

Despite never scoring a DEUCE (Papa Roach has three!), Korn squirted up to second place in a dirty display of “muddyball” statistical consistency. If 311 keeps their can clean in Round 4, Korn could even grab the gold! Unless more enduring radio rascals don’t blast past these nu-metal nasties. Which is not impossible! Remember, U2 and Pearl Jam haven’t even introduced their 21st century songbooks yet. At the very least, it wouldn’t be hard for someone to knock Cage The Elephant out of the Foul Five. Nonetheless, let it be on record that, despite their anodyne efforts of late, Cage leaves our competition with dos dook.

But who gets to go in Round 4? And who else is going away?

IN THE NEGATIVE, COULD STILL TURN TURD IN FUTURE ROUNDS
Coldplay is at -7 Shit Points, everything after Ghost Stories to come. Linkin Park is at -12 Shit Points, everything after Living Things to come. Weezer is at -10 Shit Points, everything after Hurley to come. Blink-182 only has further singles from their ’23 reunion album to go, but at -1 Shit Points, they could easily colon blow the distance. 

OUT OF CHARTING SINGLES, OFFICIALLY UNSHITTY
Rise Against, despite a dispiriting third round, end up with an admirable -7 Shit Points. The Killers, improving on an awkward second round, have -6 Shit Points. Here’s to finding a decent hits CD from either for $7.99 someday. 

HAD MORE HITS, BUT COULDN’T BE SHIT
Beck has five hits on the alternative airplay chart we've yet to discuss. With the Gen X Bob Dylan (I love saying that) already at -17 Shit Points, a competition “low,” these songs could be live sacrifices to Xenu and not change his stature. And as they’re not live sacrifices to Xenu (I checked), I dub Beck…Best Alternative Radio God. 

Muse has three more charters (to date), but their -12 Shit Points more than offset any recent misfires. twenty one pilots just scored their 23rd airplay charter last month. As the first 21 accrued -9 Shit Points, I can only wish them further success! Assuming they're done with piano ballads for animated Netflix shows. One was plenty. 

If you have an issue with this blog, alternative or otherwise, let the doctor know at anthonyisright at gmail dot com.