Round 3, Pt. 1: Who's The Worst ALTERNATIVE RADIO GOD?

Previously: Round 1, pt 1. Round 1, pt. 2. Round 2, pt. 1. Round 2, pt. 2.

We've reached Round 3, featuring songs 15-21 by the very special acts who've managed to get at least 21 ditties on the Alternative Airplay chart since its debut (as Modern Rock Tracks) in 1988. Whether it's the quality of the subgenre or my indie boy bias, rap-metal rules the restroom after two rounds: 311 has 8 Shit Points, Papa Roach has 7 Shit Points and Korn has 6 Shit Points. But the drawl-pop youngsters in Cage The Elephant wait by the podium with 4 Shit Points. Meanwhile, Foo Fighters have 1 Shit Point...and plenty more to chances to score. First, let's send off those with fewer hits...and fewer shits!

Remember: -1 Shit Points means I'm glad the song exists. 0 Shit Points means I don't really care, it's the radio, whatever. 1 Shit Point means I wish the song didn't exist. 2 Shit Points, or a DEUCE, means I wish it didn't exist, and it made the chart's Top 5. Inescapability definitely makes a bad song worse.

U2
“Numb” (alternative chart peak: #2, debut week: 7/10/93) -1
“Zooropa” (peak: #13, debut: 8/7/93) 0
“Lemon” (peak: #3, debut: 10/2/93) -1
“Stay (Faraway, So Close!)” (peak: #15, debut: 12/4/93) -1
“Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me” (peak: #1, 6/10/95) 0
“Discotheque” (peak: #1, debut: 1/25/97) 0
“Staring At The Sun” (peak: #1, debut: 3/15/97) 2
Shit Points (Round 3): -1

Encouraged by the lack of raspberries received on the Zoo TV tour, U2 doubled-down on multi-media Eurocool for 1993’s Zooropa. The first single, "Numb," featured The Edge(!) nattering commands like a robot, Bono’s falsetto almost hidden in the distance. The promo-only title track was a less gripping rehash of Achtung Baby’s “Zoo Station,” but “Lemon” is a ridonkulous heightening of the band’s Bowie-isms, Bono’s sharing his idea of vocal androgyny over techno-funk, interrupted by the Edge portentously describing the birth of cinema. I’d almost think producer Brian Eno permitted this egregious (if entertaining) absurdity to goad Davey B into collaborating again, the Coverdale/Page to Outside’s No Quarter. Amusingly, by hopping from that transparent silliness to (relatively) human-scale ballads like “Stay,” Zooropa’s offhand charm made it the U2 album most tolerable for U2 haters.

With later superhero films too self-serious for such things, the Bond-esque Bat-themes of the mid-‘90s, like “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me” now suffer from being operatic tributes to lesser kitsch; it’s hard to imagine someone watching Batman Forever for the thrills and kills. “Operatic tributes to lesser kitsch” unfortunately describes 1997’s Pop as well, new producers the same age as the band either unable or unwilling to guide them out of mediocre meta-morass. “Discotheque,” though well-intended, isn’t better than the real thing, and the excruciating, slovenly psychedelia of “Staring At The Sun” isn’t even better than Oasis. DEUCE.

R.E.M.
“What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 9/24/94) -1
“Bang And Blame” (peak: #1, debut: 11/26/94) 2
“Star 69” (peak: #8, debut: 2/18/95) -1
“Strange Currencies” (peak: #14, debut: 4/29/95) -1
“Crush With Eyeliner” (peak: #33, debut: 8/12/95) -1 
“E-Bow The Letter” (peak: #2, debut: 8/31/96) -1
“Bittersweet Me” (peak: #6, debut: 10/12/96) 0
Shit Points (Round 3): -3

For the last time, I send thee to my R.E.M. album guide if you want to know what I think of Bill Berry’s last ride. The DEUCE assigned to “Bang And Blame” may be a bit much, as I’ve grown to accept the verse groove and always liked the bridge. But I can’t pretend I’ve ever been glad the song exists. “Bittersweet Me” though less grating, is still annoyingly repetitive. Everything else? Read the guide.

Pearl Jam
“Immortality” (alternative chart peak: #31, debut week: 7/8/95) 0
“I Got Id” (peak: #3, debut: 12/9/95) 0
“Leaving Here” (peak: #31, debut: 3/9/96) 0
“Who You Are” (peak: #1, debut: 8/1/96) 0
“Hail, Hail” (peak: #9, debut: 10/5/96) -1
“Off He Goes” (peak: #31, debut: 1/4/97) 0
“Given To Fly” (peak: #3, debut: 1/3/98) 0
Shit Points (Round 3): -1

The bluesy Vitalogy album track that barely charted. The Mirror Ball outtake, with Neil Young on lead guitar, that made the pop top 10 on sales alone. The Hozier-Dolland-Hozier-via-The Who-or-Motorhead cover for the women’s self-defense fundraiser. The drum circle tribute to Nusret Fateh Ali Khan that announced 1996’s No Code. The country-rock tribute to a troubled friend, twice as long as Bob Seger’s “Still The Same.” The soaring “Going To California” rewrite for 1998’s Yield that won back classic rockers unnerved by the previous album. I don’t hate any of it, and all of it makes me understand why most non-cultists would move on to Creed or The Foo Fighters or Wilco, depending on their needs. Only “Hail, Hail,” a generic uptempo ramalama throwback to the Dave Abbruzzese era, always brings a smile.

Smashing Pumpkins
“Ava Adore” (alternative chart peak: #3, debut week: 5/23/98) -1
“Perfect” (peak: #3, debut: 6/27/98) -1
“The Everlasting Gaze” (peak: #4, debut: 12/25/99) -1
“Stand Inside Your Love” (peak: #2, debut: 2/26/00) 0
“Tarantula” (peak: #2, debut: 6/2/07) 0
“That’s The Way (My Love Is)” (peak: #23, debut: 9/8/07) 0
“G.L.O.W.” (peak: #11, debut: 10/18/08) 1
Shit Points (Round 3): -2

The pop-goth swooning on 1998’s Adore didn’t need to be a 2LP/1CD any more than Melon Collie & The Infinite Sadness needed to be a 4LP/2CD. But the album was good for a dramatic title vamp and a “1979” rehash I might prefer to “1979.” Not only do the lyrics on “Perfect” suggest the semi-sincerity of a situationship's silent end, beguilingly darkening the looping loveliness, Billy Corgan doesn’t go “WEEEEEEE” on the chorus. I’ve never bothered to hear the whole 2LP/1CD of Machina/The Machines Of God, but “The Everlasting Gaze” effectively revisits the sneering rock of “Zero” and “Stand Inside Your Love” wasn’t desperate enough a crossover attempt (that title, though!) to resonate good or bad. Tired of cooler bandmates who couldn’t play as well as him, Billy put a 90 minute Machina sequel online and let the band collapse.

After one album leading Zwan (the cooler bandmates still pissing him off despite playing better) and an underwhelming solo album (no one wants to a buy a shirt with “Billy” on it), Corgan revived the Pumpkins brand with original drummer Jimmy Chamberlin, who also played in Zwan. While canny enough to make sure the riffs are heavy and the drums are prominent on 2007’s Zeitgeist, Corgan was too proud to have Desmond Child or somebody beef up the lyrics and vocal hooks. Considering the half-hearted “whoo”s (a U.S. Maple reference?) and queries about whether we can feel ihhhht on the stand-alone single “G.L.O.W.”, this might have been a good thing.

Red Hot Chili Peppers
“Around The World” (alternative chart peak: #7, debut week: 9/25/99) 1
“Otherside” (peak: #1, debut: 1/1/00) -1
“Californication” (peak: #1, debut: 6/17/00) 2
“Parallel Universe” (peak: #37, debut: 3/24/01) -1
“By The Way” (peak: #1, debut: 6/15/02) -1
“The Zephyr Song” (peak: #6, debut: 8/24/02) -1
“Can’t Stop” (peak: #1, debut: 12/28/02) -1
Shit Points (Round 3): -2

“Around The World” assured '80s fans they’d forever write idiotic sex raps over bass slaps (Anthony Kiedis even pulling some “ching chang chong” shit on the final chorus), but the Chili Peppers’ soulful side was all over the radio in 2000. Most arresting was the fraught “Otherside,” revealing Kiedis might actually be capable of shame (“the ashtray’s full and I’m spilling my guts/ she wanna know am I still a slut?”). The title track was an inescapable timesuck on MTV and radio, and I've gone back and forth on whether to give it a DEUCE, or forgivingly take it on the other side. Though it’s less aggravating when not watching someone play The Legend Of Flea: Ocarina Of Time in the video, I’m damning it as dookie for that dinky guitar solo, and for encouraging Lana Del Rey’s similar fascination with all things off the 405. The Mother’s Milk-esque hard rock on “Parallel Universe” (now without key changes!) is superior, but I guess radio was Californicatatonic by its promotional release.

Alternative stations were ready for more by 2002, with By The Way’s driving title track making hay out of then-cool kids Interpol’s shared love of chiming guitar riffs, pummeling drums and goofy, sexed-up gibberish (“Ooh! Ah! Kissin’ and a moo-check!”). John Frusciante layered harmonies and guitars over everything, “The Zephyr Song” sounding not unlike R.E.M. a decade or so earlier, if Michael Stipe was pumped to motorboard some tig ol’ bitties (“rev it up to levitate her/super-friendly aviator”). As a straight goofball whose life was changed by Green, I’m inclined to consider By The Way the Peppers’ arpeggio-laden, open-hearted apex. It’s better than Live, at least.

Stone Temple Pilots
“Sour Girl” (alternative chart peak: #3, debut week: 4/22/00) 0
“No Way Out” (peak: #24, debut: 10/21/00) 1
“Days Of The Week” (peak: #5, debut: 6/16/01) 0
“Hollywood Bitch” (peak: #29, debut: 9/8/01) 0
“All In The Suit That You Wear” (peak: #19, debut: 11/8/03) 0
“Between The Lines” (peak: #1, debut: 4/3/10) 0
“Take A Load Off” (peak: #24, debut: 7/10/10) 1
Shit Points (Round 3): 2

No longer distracted by a shirtless Weiland canoodling with Sarah Michelle Gellar in the video, I can now appreciate the strummy summer pop of “Sour Girl” as a relief from No. 4’s oppressive butt-rock, “No Way Out” just one squalling example of that. 2001’s Shangri-La Dee Da came surprisingly soon after, using “Sour Girl”’s success to justify more melodic output. Still determined to come off heavy, the result was sadly more like a cranky, post-grunge Badfinger than the sly Zep homage of the mid-90’s. With the world unimpressed, Weiland was off to lead Guns N’ Roses' instrumental core as Velvet Revolver, while the DeLeo brothers hooked up with the dude from Filter as Army Of Anyone. 

Nobody was having much fun in their supergroups, so STP reunited in 2008, a self-titled album arriving in 2010. “Between The Lines” tries to be cute about Weiland’s drug drama over righteous riffola, and “Take A Load Off” at least swings as confidently as Collective Soul (derogatory and not). But heavy touring revived every old issue, a struggling Weiland getting the pink slip in 2013, and dying less than three years later.

Green Day
“Warning” (alternative chart peak: #3, debut week: 12/2/00) -1
“Waiting” (peak: #26, debut: 3/31/01) 0
“American Idiot” (peak: #1, debut: 8/21/04) -1
“Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” (peak: #1, debut: 10/16/04) -1
“Holiday” (peak: #1, debut: 2/5/05) -1
“Wake Me Up When September Ends” (peak: #2, debut: 7/2/05) 0
“Jesus Of Suburbia” (peak: #27, debut: 12/10/05) 1
Shit Points (Round 3): -3

Green Day started the ‘00s accepting age and sharing wisdom, gently jacking the Kinks’ “Picture Book” on Warning’s advice-minded title track, and confusing fans with modestly mixed guitar on “Waiting.” The mournful “Macy’s Day Parade” didn’t even chart, Warning their first album since Dookie not to go platinum. But hey, that was the price of maturity, right?

After losing an album’s worth of rougher recordings and getting inspiration from a U2 concert (uh oh), Green Day changed course and came back bigger than ever on 2004's American Idiot. Billie Joe Armstrong’s guitar returned to full volume, the singer showing newfound comfort with sound effects, glossy bombast and every other signifier of stadium stature the 924 Gilman St grads previously shirked. The change was admirable enough at first, with the title track refreshingly loud about their lack of patriotism. But “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams” was a mammoth mid-tempo megahit clomp derivative of Aerosmith’s “Dream On,” with lyrical cliches stitched together like a brooding Bryan Adams. I can’t resist its weathered grandiosity today, though in the same way I can’t resist getting KFC once a year or so.

“Holiday” similarly walloped with incoherent contempt for the Bush era, but the power ballad “Wake Me Up When September Ends” revealed how little they (or the characters in this rock opera) had to share beyond self-pity. The video for "September" provided tearjerker romantic context, and I’m sure the Broadway adaptation of Idiot was hard to resist (check out the show’s documentary to see the once-antisocial Armstrong adorably discover his inner drama kid at rehearsal, the rhythm section quietly disassociating). However, “Jesus Of Suburbia,” or “A Long One (Like The Who Did),” is a nine minute multi-part slog for multi-part slogging’s sake. I guess a lot of people were just glad for non-Nickelback proof that stadium rock lived.

The Offspring
“Want You Bad” (alternative chart peak: #10, debut week: 1/6/01) -1
“Defy You” (peak: #8, debut: 12/1/01) 1
“Hit That” (peak: #1, debut: 11/15/03) 0
“(Can’t Get My) Head Around You” (peak: #6, debut: 3/13/04) 1
“Can’t Repeat” (peak: #9, debut: 5/21/05) 0
“Next To You” (peak: #37, debut: 10/29/05) -1
“Hammerhead” (peak: #2, debut: 5/24/08) 2
Shit Points (Round 3): 2

After the horror of “Original Prankster,” the happily horny American Pie-bait of “Want You Bad” was infinitely preferable, but easy to ignore. “Defy You” was a turgid bellow of resistance I don’t think the Orange County soundtrack really needed. Though I found the twerpy disco-metal of “Hit That” cute enough when it came out, the snide conservatism of Dexter Holland’s cultural critique (“we’re raising kids now that raise themselves!”) isn’t worthy of either Randy Newman's spirit or Crazy Frog's sound. Hey, respect for trying to combine them!

Two familiar songs about Holland’s inability to find satisfaction in romance or nostalgia followed. Then came a Greatest Hits where both songs are outshone by a Police cover, faithful guitarist Noodles sure having fun pretending to be Andy Summers. Sadly, instead of an album of new wave standards or whatever, the Offspring saw the success of American Idiot and Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace, and decided the world needed…ahem…Rise And Fall, Rage And Grace, a political pseudo-statement rife with rock flash, produced by Bob Rock. “Hammerhead,” a bait and switch where a seeming soldier turns out to be a school shooter, could have been a political cartoon, forgotten in less time than it takes Holland to scream Psalm 23:4. Which, yes, he does. DEUCE.

Foo Fighters
“Low” (alternative chart peak: #15, debut week: 7/19/03) 0
“Darling Nikki” (peak: #15, debut: 11/29/03) 0
“Best Of You” (peak: #1, debut: 5/7/05) -1
“DOA” (peak: #1, debut: 9/10/05) -1
“No Way Back” (peak: #2, debut: 2/11/06) 0
“The Pretender” (peak: #1, debut: 8/18/07) -1
“Long Road To Ruin” (peak: #1, debut: 11/10/07) 0
Shit Points (Round 3): -3

Detached from its oh-so-‘00s “lol gay” video with Jack Black, “Low” is a reminder that Dave Grohl played with Queens Of The Stone Age, and could imitate them more if he wanted to. Then again, he can’t sing or play lead guitar as confidently as Josh Homme, an issue that also comes up when covering “Darling Nikki.” Dave knows he's better at hollering defiance in the face of anguish and crafting intense post-hardcore arrangements, “Best Of You” going for gold on both fronts. The chorus question’s double meaning is so evocative of defensive romantic insecurity I’d almost assume Grohl missed it, but he swears “I’m no fool.” The cocksure “DOA” underscores those smarts, bludgeoning like Husker Du while cynically flicking its tongue at rocking’s consequences (“nothing like the taste of sweet decline!”). Reportedly In Your Honor has a second disc that’s all acoustic, but the third single was another showy shriek of “YOLO!”

The aforementioned, Offspring-inspiring Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace was introduced by “The Pretender,” a scathing blitzkrieg implying that Grohl hated George W. Bush even more than he hated Courtney Love. Actually, the song could be about Love, or anyone else who thinks they’re all that. Maybe a hater like me! “Long Road To Ruin” is brisker than earlier Foo fodder about feeling the wind on your bloody, bruised face as you speed down the highway of life with no seat belt, so I hate it less. Plus, Chris Shiflett gets a guitar solo! 

311
“Love Song” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 2/14/04) -1
“First Straw” (peak: #14, debut: 6/12/04) 0
“Don’t Tread On Me” (peak: #2, debut: 8/6/05) 0
“Speak Easy” (peak: #22, debut: 12/17/05) 1
“Hey You” (peak: #3, debut: 4/25/09) 2
“It’s Alright” (peak: #16, debut: 7/4/09) 0
“Sunset In July” (peak: #7, debut: 6/25/11) 1
Shit Points (Round 3): 3

If you found my perspective on By The Way creepy, you’re going to want to skip this paragraph. God help me, I genuinely love 311’s “Love Song.” Or ironically love it so much that sincerity is irrelevant. The Cure’s original is a classic, the rushing beat juxtaposing with the vulnerability in Robert Smith’s vocal. But 311, while keeping melody, organ and guitar, turns the groove to reggae and…awww yeah. If this song ever catches me a couple beers in, shit’s gonna get freaky. Where does reggae and goth co-exist? In this hot tub. More claret? 

The success of the love theme from 50 First Dates blessedly mellowed the natty Nebraskans out a bit. “First Straw” and “Don’t Tread On Me” are batty philosophical meanderings that respectively still suffer from SA Martinez’s yelp and cruddy guitar fuzz, though not overbearingly so. “Speak Easy,” with Martinez imitating Chester Bennington on ecstasy over the squishiest wah-wah, is overbearing. “Hey You,” while cheerier than the ‘90s model - dig that psychedelic bridge! - must have come as a relief to true fans worried they’d finally abandoned their off-key reggae-prog sludge. DEUCE. On “It’s Alright,” Nick Hexum posits that one song could end all war, while a man long called P-Nut pops his bass. The blithe “Sunset In July” suggests 311 will never record that song until they ditch that goddamn distortion pedal.

Depeche Mode
“Precious” (alternative chart peak: #23, debut week: 10/8/05) 1
“Suffer Well” (peak: #38, debut: 3/18/06) -1
“Wrong" (peak: #12, debut: 3/14/09) 1
“Heaven” (peak: #33, debut: 2/23/13) 1
“Soothe My Soul” (peak: #27, debut: 4/13/13) 0
“Where’s The Revolution” (peak: #40 debut: 3/18/17) -1
“Ghosts Again” (peak: #9, debut: 2/25/23) -1
Shit Points (Round 3): 0

The last twenty(!) years of Depeche Mode airplay charters were overwhelmingly for the cult, but it says something that only one of their last five albums - 2017’s Spirit - almost missed the countdown entirely. Ironically, I find that album’s wry, ragged “Where’s The Revolution” far more endearing in sound and sentiment than the previous attempts at a comeback. Increased attention finally came with 2023’s Memento Mori, and for the saddest of reasons: the death of beloved third banana Andy Fletcher. Nonetheless, survivors Martin Gore and Dave Gahan offered their most engaging single in ages, one that managed to update their ‘80s bounce rather than abandon it in the name of sodden, self-serious modernity. I can’t decide whether it’s more surprising that “Ghosts Again” (co-written by Richard Butler of the Psychedelic Furs!) reclaims their pulsing, pouting glory, or that fans stood by the group so long without it.

Nine Inch Nails
“Every Day Is Exactly The Same” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 12/31/05) 0
“Survivalism” (peak: #1, debut: 3/3/07) -1
“Capital G” (peak: #6, debut: 5/12/07) 0
“Discipline” (peak: #6, debut: 5/10/08) -1
“Came Back Haunted” (peak: #7, debut: 6/22/13) -1
“Less Than” (peak: #22, debut: 8/5/17) -1
“As Alive As You Need Me To Be” (peak: #4, debut: 8/9/25) -1
Shit Points (Round 3): -5

While I’m mostly on board with the power-synth-pop of ‘00s Nine Inch Nails, the more ambitious efforts - the tormented balladry of “Every Day Is Exactly The Same,” or the political irony of “Capital G” - would benefit from some Downward Spiral chaos in the arrangement. At the very least, that would distract from the latter’s title hook, which gets an eye-roll whether Trent meant “Greed” (like he claims) or “George” (like everyone else assumed). “Survivalism” gets by on layers upon layers of fury, and “Discipline,” despite or because of being self-released, is more shameless a naughty pop moment than all those smashes he swore on. Reznor truly risked being taken for a male Stacey Q on this one, inspiring an oh-so-'00s, "lol gay" fan video he gave the honor of being the unofficial official clip.

Reznor focused on soundtrack work, self-released side-projects, and starting a family, Nine Inch Nails didn't return until 2013’s Hesitation Marks, Reznor deigning it to be released by Columbia, in hopes of it being a big deal. It did fine, David Lynch directing the video for “Came Back Haunted” and everybody who gave a shit being happy enough with the results. Similar responses met a trio of EPs on Capitol, one of the more danceable growls from them making the chart. But between the breadth of his Oscar-winning film work with Atticus Ross and the familiar limits of his voice, it wasn’t like he could expect to inspire shock and awe. Disney, Interscope, and a homage to Daft Punk’s robot voice, did manage to get the love theme from the Tron: Ares into the Top 5 this summer. And an intriguing "Nine Inch Noize" will be playing Coachella this Spring!

THE FOUL FIVE
311 (3 Rounds): 11 Shit Points
Papa Roach (2 Rounds): 7 Shit Points
Korn (2 Rounds): 6 Shit Points
Cage The Elephant (2 Rounds): 4 Shit Points
The Offspring (3 Rounds): 1 Shit Point

With 311 distracting me with their intoxicating ganja-goth, could Korn or Papa Roach crap hard enough to unseat them? We'll find out in Round 3, pt. 2. But first let's separate the unworthy wheat from the proud chaff we'll see again in Round 4.

IN THE NEGATIVE, BUT COULD STILL TURN TURD IN FUTURE ROUNDS 
The Foo Fighters are at -2 Shit Points, everything after Echoes, Patience, Yadda & Yadda to come. Green Day are at -13 Shit Points, everything after American Idiot to come. Red Hot Chili Peppers are at -6 Shit Points, everything after By The Way to come. Pearl Jam are at -6 Shit Points, everything after Yield to come.
U2 are at -2 Shit Points, everything after Pop to come. Buckle up!

OUT OF CHARTING SINGLES, OFFICIALLY UNSHITTY
Depeche Mode leave us with -4 Shit Points. And that’s just for the radio fare after Music For The Masses! Meanwhile, Nine Inch Nails has -13 Shit Points after 35 years of glowering over keyboards. All this and Oscars on the shelf!

HAD MORE HITS, BUT COULDN’T BE SHIT
While only at -3 Shit Points, every Stone Temple Pilots single after a Chester Bennington collaboration has only made the Mainstream Rock Chart. Someone with an even higher pain tolerance can chronicle that sphere. Though five songs after the Bill Berry era made the alternative airplay chart, R.E.M. ends round three at -13 Shit Points. So we can rightly ignore the rest. King Corgan has had eight more airplay “hits” since 2010, but with none of them charting high enough to DEUCE, the Smashing Pumpkins can’t overcome their -9 Shit Points accrued through the ‘00s. Not yet, at least. 

You're welcome! If that doesn't answer your question, or render your comment redundant, send it along to anthonyisright at gmail dot com.