Round 2, Pt. 1: Who's The Worst ALTERNATIVE RADIO GOD?

Round 1, pt. 1 is here. Round 1, pt. 2 is here. Based on the 24 qualifying acts' first seven singles on the Modern Rock/Alternative Airplay chart, U2, 311 and Papa Roach lead the crap with 4 Shit Points each. But what will change when we look at everybody's second set of charting songs? Find out...in Round 2, pt. 1!

Remember: -1 Shit Points means I'm glad the song exists. 0 Shit Points means I don't really care, it's the radio, whatever. 1 Shit Point means I wish the song didn't exist. 2 Shit Points, or a DEUCE, means I wish it didn't exist, and it made the chart's Top 5. Inescapability definitely makes a bad song worse.

U2 
“Night And Day” (alternative chart peak: #2, debut week: 11/10/90) 0
“The Fly” (peak: #1, debut: 10/26/91) -1
“Mysterious Ways” (peak: #1, debut: 11/23/91) -1
“One” (peak: #1, debut: 1/4/92) -1
“Until The End Of The World” (peak: #4, debut: 2/1/92) -1
“Even Better Than The Real Thing” (peak: #5, debut: 7/5/92) -1
“Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?” (peak: #7, debut: 10/24/92) 0
Shit Points (Round 2): -5

I have no idea how U2’s “Night And Day” sounded in 1990. I got Red Hot + Blue from the library after Achtung Baby was already huge, ironically preferring the Thompson Twins track. But today their brooding Cole Porter cover is the missing link between the overcooked Americana of Rattle & Hum and the hopped-up Eurosex to come. Or rather, it’s a dramatic techno vamp with Bono blowing a gasket over it.

U2's new sound was smoothed out on Achtung Baby, its veneer of continental decadence so much more appropriate to their post-punk musical attack than American “authenticity.” For all the information age talk and implications of recording with Brian Eno in Berlin, the album’s pop breakthrough was basically a “Let’s Dance” update, Bono joyously hollering about her moves in the desert. Otherwise, David Bowie is less a direct influence than a precedent for not sweating where the camp and the disco starts and where the sincerity and the rock ends. Co-producer Daniel Lanois’ muddy sense of sonic soul, also benefitting from the indifference to roots, blurs the more disparate elements. “One’s” wrestle with interpersonal codependence, suggesting long-brewing divorce or Lucifer rebuking God, is the only single that resonates as more than seductive, surreal showbiz, but “Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses” is the only one held down by Bono’s bombastic banality. When that isn’t an issue on a U2 album until single number six…well done.

R.E.M.
“First We Take Manhattan” (alternative chart peak: #11, debut week: 1/18/92) 1
“Drive” (peak: #1, debut: 10/3/92) -1
“Ignoreland” (peak: #5, debut: 11/21/92) -1
“Man On The Moon” (peak: #2, debut: 1/16/93) -1
“The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite” (peak: #24, debut: 5/1/93) -1
“Everybody Hurts” (peak: #21, debut: 10/16/93) -1
“Photograph” (peak: #9, debut: 11/13/93) 0
Shit Points (Round 2): -4

Though Michael Stipe would imitate Leonard Cohen lyrically on Green’s “World Leader Pretend” and interpolate him melodically on Up’s “Hope,” R.E.M.’s amped-up emotionality is all wrong for covering Cohen at his most sardonic, Mike Mills so not an ironic female chorus. As for my take on Automatic For The People, I once again direct you to my R.E.M. Album Guide. I don’t find the album as timeless a rumination as some do, but nothing on it has dated as much as the blandly jaunty outtake “Photograph,” which could have been 10,000 Maniacs with Michael Stipe instead of REM with Natalie Merchant. Def Leppard would have been too absurd, but couldn’t they have just covered Ringo Starr for the Born To Choose compilation instead? 

Red Hot Chili Peppers
“Behind The Sun” (alternative chart peak: #7, debut week: 11/21/92) 0 
“Soul To Squeeze” (peak: #1, debut: 8/7/93) -1 
“Warped” (peak: #7, debut: 9/2/95) 0
“My Friends” (peak: #1, debut: 9/30/95) 0 
“Aeroplane” (peak: #8, debut: 1/27/96) -1
“Love Rollercoaster” (peak: #14, debut: 11/16/96) -1
“Scar Tissue” (peak: #1, debut: 6/5/99) -1
Shit Points (Round 2): -4

Neither the lack of a hit follow-up to “Give It Away”/“Under The Bridge,” nor the departure of guitarist John Frusciante, diminished the Peppers’ public image in the '90s, thanks to VMA appearances, a Simpsons cameo, and EMI Records re-releasing a track from 1987 for the What Hits!? comp. The Blood Sugar Sex Magik b-side “Soul To Squeeze” was considered too similar to “Under The Bridge” for album inclusion, or even completion, judging by the climactic lyrics “doo-doo dingle zing-a-zing a dong bone/ ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad." But in 1993, it became their biggest single since “Bridge,” despite the bittersweet mid-tempo plaint being on the Coneheads soundtrack, and the part that goes “doo-doo dingle zing-a-zing a dong bone.” The grunge children were too hungry for more gently funky, sensitive witchcraft to care.

MTV News also kept everyone abreast of the band’s attempts to lock in a new guitarist, so the hype was huge for One Hot Minute, their first (and last) album with Dave Navarro from Jane’s Addiction. “Warped” let the heads know the Peppers would still rock wildly, “My Friends” let the radio know they’d still sing sweetly, and “Aeroplane” confirmed they’d still be funky. It’s transparent in hindsight that Navarro didn’t have the necessary Flea-freeing flow, though, and only that last single is half as fun as their Ohio Players cover for Beavis & Butthead Do America, featuring kazoos instead of horns. 

With the Peppers long past distressing drug headlines, and Frusciante-Flea frippery now abundant on our planet, it’s easy to forget how sweet a surprise “Scar Tissue” was upon release. The prodigal guitarist had returned, the quartet weathered by time but still full of heartfelt hippity-hop. I thought Anthony Kiedis was saying “lift up the shade it’s a lonely view” not “with the birds I share this lonely view,” but hey, either is more graceful than “doo-doo dingle zing-a-zing a dong bone.”

Depeche Mode
“I Feel You” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 2/27/93) 0
“Walking In My Shoes” (peak: #1, debut: 4/24/93) 0 
“Condemnation” (peak: #23, debut: 8/28/93) 0 
“Barrel Of A Gun” (peak: #11, debut: 1/18/97) 1
“It’s No Good” (peak: #4, debut: 4/12/97) -1
“Only When I Lose Myself” (peak: #36, debut: 10/3/98) 0
“Dream On” (peak: #12, debut: 4/14/01) 0
Shit Points (Round 2): 0

Another band who made it out of the ‘90s by the skin of their teeth! Songs Of Faith And Devotion was a big deal upon release, but - as many other bands would soon learn - ironically smarmy swagger loses its irony fast. The distorted trip-hop clangor of “I Feel You” and “Walking In My Shoes” offered no twist on contemporary trends, Martin Gore’s lyrics and Dave Gahan's vocals sounding more vainly defensive than sensitive. “Condemnation” lets you imagine a haggard George Michael obsessed with Tom Waits’ Bone Machine, if you’re into that kind of thing. 

A monumentally fucked up tour followed, with everyone either getting arrested, overdosing or having a mental breakdown before it was over. Except for Alan Wilder, who quit the group instead. By the time the remaining trio returned in 1997, the grating noises on “Barrel Of A Gun” just sounded like macho Garbage. Nonetheless, “It’s No Good” is their best single of the era, playing up Gahan’s vampiric confidence in his erotic allure. By 2001, Depeche now out of the darkness and deified by Hot Topic patrons, an ok single reaffirming they could still keyboard and croon was more than welcome on radio before a tour.

Pearl Jam
“Elderly Woman Behind The Counter…” (alternative chart peak: #17, debut week: 2/26/94) -1
“Yellow Ledbetter” (peak: #26, debut: 7/9/94) 1
“Spin The Black Circle” (peak: #11, debut: 11/19/94) 0
“Tremor Christ” (peak: #16, debut: 11/19/94) 1
“Better Man” (peak: #2, debut: 12/3/94) 0
“Corduroy” (peak: #13, debut: 12/10/94) 0
“Not For You” (peak: #38, debut: 4/8/95) -1
Shit Points (Round 2): 0

For some reason, neither the riotous “Animal” nor the omnipresent-on-air “Dissident” charted Modern Rock, making the sweet sea shanty about an old lady seeing her prodigal prince at work the last song from Vs. we get to acknowledge. Sadly, I do have to acknowledge the Ten B-side where guitarist Mike McCready again reminds us the wind cries Mary while Eddie Vedder baritones a half-finished lyric that’s allegedly anti-war. I asked Google why it charted on airplay in 1994, and their AI said it didn’t. Human-run sites say it did, but didn’t tell me why. Fans likely just wanted more of Pearl Jam's “what if Stevie Ray Vaughn worked for Cher” shit on the radio.

Pearl Jam was mostly done with that, though. Their anticipated third album, Vitalogy, was preceded by a pro-vinyl punk song (not as cool or clear as Mike D’s “I’m sticking to wax, I’m not using the CD!” on the Beastie Boys’ “Sure Shot”), and a dull, galumphing B-Side that probably charted because Eddie moans instead of screams. “Better Man” completes PJ’s For The Ladies trilogy: a wife song I find more trite than the daughter song, and less affecting than the grandma song. (Seriously, how has Cher not done a medley yet?) “Corduroy” is spoiled by the band breaking into “The Chain” three minutes in. On “Not For You,” more angry than awkward, these Fugazi fans finally made a song Fugazi fans could tolerate. Or at least Crazy Horse fans. Coincidently, they’d replace Crazy Horse for Neil Young that summer!

Stone Temple Pilots
“Dancing Days” (alternative chart peak: #11, debut week: 4/1/95) -1
“Big Bang Baby” (peak: #2, debut: 3/23/96) -1 
“Trippin On A Hole In A Paper Heart” (peak: #3, debut: 5/18/96) -1 
“Lady Picture Show” (peak: #6, debut: 10/26/96) -1 
“Tumble In The Rough” (peak: #36, debut: 3/15/97) -1
“Down” (peak: #9, debut: 10/2/99) 1
“Heaven & Hot Rods” (peak: #30, debut: 1/1/00) 1
Shit Points (Round 2): -3

A charmingly lo-fi, half-acoustic Zeppelin cover from a tribute album tided Stone Temple Pilots fans over in 1995, while Weiland wrestled with drugs and debated a solo career, the other three also starting a new band. Somehow they all came back together for Tiny Music…From The Vatican Gift Shop, led by the most sardonically cheery song of their goddamn lives, a post-Monster “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” complete with hand claps and a falsetto “take it away, boys!” The other push tracks similarly punked up their post-Zep formula, getting almost as eccentric as Pearl Jam’s Vitalogy, but having a lot more fun (you gotta check out the non-charting “Art School Girl”). While Weiland later revealed “Lady Picture Show” is about a gang-rang rape victim (thanks, Weiland!), what you’ll hear is a fuzzed-out Beatles-meets-Bonham marvel.

Sadly, the failure of Weiland’s arty solo album (and a year spent in jail) shook the whimsy out of the band, who returned in 1999 to prove they could be as grating as Godsmack. I get depressed just thinking about whether their “Down" is worse than 311’s, and “Heaven & Hot Rods” sounds like a queasy, dub remix of a Core outtake. STP were metal again. Ozzfest to Ozzfest, dust to dust.

Smashing Pumpkins
“1979” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 11/25/95) -1
“Zero” (peak: #9, debut: 2/17/96) -1 
“Tonight, Tonight” (peak: #5, debut: 6/1/96) -1
“Muzzle” (peak: #8, debut: 9/14/96) -1
“Thirty-Three” (peak: #2, debut: 12/7/96) 0
“Eye” (peak: #8, debut: 3/22/97) -1
“The End Is The Beginning Of The End” (peak: #4, debut: 6/7/97) 0
Shit Points (Round 2): -5

There was no good reason for Melon Collie & The Infinite Sadness to be two hours long, but the singles compel me to reaffirm that about once a decade. “1979” is such a lovely, twinkling portrait of adolescent joy, I can usually ignore Billy Corgan squealing like a pig on the chorus. The scathing, merciless “Zero” turns squealing into a virtue, multi-tracking Corgan's nasal whine and then imitating it with a multi-tracked guitar solo. It’s not unlike that Simpsons where the nerds chase the football team off the field, runny nostrils flaring. “Tonight, Tonight” is one hell of an epic prom theme if you accept the singer sounds like Skeletor. Ditto “Muzzle” and graduation photo montages. “Thirty-Three” is one ballad too many, though I’m not sure which of Melon Collie’s twenty-two other album tracks they should have put out instead. And don't forget the latch-box of B-sides!

After finishing a tour only briefly interrupted by OD death of their touring keyboardist and the consequent expulsion of their struggling drummer, the remaining trio announced electronica was the future, putting wave after wave of synth squiggles and snare snaps under Corgan’s sigh on “Eye,” one of the love themes from David Lynch’s Lost Highway. It’s held up better than the song from Batman & Robin, which, like the movie, is kind of a hoot until it's not. 

Green Day
“Brain Stew/Jaded” (alternative chart peak: #3, debut week: 12/23/95) -1
“Walking Contradiction” (alternative chart peak: #21, debut: 6/15/96) -1
“Hitchin' A Ride” (peak: #5, debut: 9/13/97) 0
“Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)” (peak: #2, debut: 11/29/97) 0
“Redundant” (peak: #16, debut: 4/25/98) -1
“Nice Guys Finish Last” (peak: #31, debut: 10/17/98) -1
“Minority” (peak: #1, debut: 9/9/00) 0
Shit Points (Round 2): -4

I already praised it in Round 1, but I want to reaffirm Insomniac is my favorite Green Day album: a more jocular In Utero, with “Brain Stew” and “Walking Contradiction” slamming, self-loathing highlights. Still alive afterwards, 1997’s Nimrod found the group realizing they couldn’t pound it out forever. So, after a more-of-the-same single that weirdly recalls both “Stray Cat Strut” and “Istanbul (Not Constantinople),” we got “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life),” a heartfelt acoustic farewell with strings so mainstream it became the love theme to the Seinfeld finale, gracing exponentially more photo montages than the Pumpkins’ “Muzzle.” I wish Billie Joe had pronounced the hard “t” more consistently, as at least twice I think he says “dime of your life.” That always takes me out. Ironically, “Redundant” and “Nice Guys Finish Last” are considerably more fun follow-ups I guess people weren’t interested in, now that they’d heard Billie Joe’s “Wonderwall.” 

“Minority,” a proud declaration of “allegiance to the underworld,” already had a dated “moral majority” reference, and is completely devoid of context now that alt-rock guys proud to be unpopular still sound privileged as fuck against the amoral violence actual minorities are threatened with. But we’ll talk more about Billie Joe’s political awareness next time…

Nine Inch Nails
“The Perfect Drug” (alternative chart peak: #11, debut week: 2/1/97) -1
“Starfuckers, Inc.” (peak: #39, debut: 8/7/99) 1
“We’re In This Together” (peak: #11, debut: 9/18/99) -1
“Into The Void” (peak: #11, debut: 12/4/99) -1
“Deep” (peak: #18, debut: 5/26/01) 0
“The Hand That Feeds” (peak: #1, debut: 4/2/05) -1
“Only” (peak: #1, debut: 8/6/05) -1
Shit Points (Round 2): -4

With the entire radio format descending into primal swearing at the end of the ‘90s, it took a little while for many to acknowledge the disparity between Trent Reznor’s musical and lyrical talents. Some still haven’t! But “The Perfect Drug,” where delightfully queasy synths and drum’n’bass chaos meets Reznor shouting “my blood, it wants to say hello to you!” and inventing the term “stupid-eyed,” might be the most extreme case of the former miraculously overcoming the latter. That isn’t accomplished on “Starfuckers, Inc,” inspired by Marilyn Manson and reminiscent of his tiresome shtick. The first single from Nine Inch Nails’ 2CD magnum opus The Fragile to get radio love was “We’re In This Together,” a pledge of devotion so dramatic and desperate it makes David Bowie’s “Heroes” sound like Captain & Tennille. But after “Into The Void”’s Closer II: The Wrath Of Trent, it became clear they weren’t making any new fans, the label settling for selling Reznor’s cult remix discs and live albums.

Aside from a love theme for Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - a song that isn’t on streaming and isn’t particularly missed - that was that, as Reznor spent several years detoxing in private (yes, some rock stars do it quietly!). He came back strong in 2005, more inspired than shook by the hipster dance-rock competition. “The Hand That Feeds” thrusts more furiously than the Faint ever dared, even if, yes, he was still concerned with the blood. “Only” reaffirmed his gift for magnificent potty-mouth INXS tributes, forcing the kids to get up and boogie despite a second verse about magically climbing through a picked scab. Dude was 40 when that hit #1. Respect, I guess.

The Offspring
“I Choose” (alternative chart peak: #24, debut week: 10/4/97) -1
“Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” (peak: #3, debut: 10/17/98) 2
“Why Don’t You Get A Job?” (peak: #4, debut: 1/30/99) -1
“The Kids Aren’t Alright” (peak: #6, debut: 5/29/99) -1
“She’s Got Issues” (peak: #11, debut: 10/23/99) 1
“Totalimmortal” (peak: #27, debut: 5/13/00) 0
“Original Prankster” (peak: #2, debut: 10/21/00) 2
Shit Points (Round 2): 2

The last single on Ixnay On The Hombre was about actively choosing to live stupidly (as opposed to doing it by accident), the track perversely percolating with extra percussion, like a pop-punk War. It stiffed, so no surprise they dumbed down the shtick a year later with a bonafide novelty single. “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” belatedly called out Vanilla Ice fans and white guys whose dreadlocks are less authentic than singer Dexter Holland’s had been, coming off like a shrill Weird Al with cartoon “Latino” sound effects. It got old fast, and it’s almost 30 now. DEUCE.

Not that I’m above a novelty song! “Why Don’t You Get A Job?” gets over like good “Weird” Al, piling on the Beatle references more spiritedly than Oasis ever did. “The Kids Aren’t All Right” wailed earnest concern for the children at a pace too furious to quibble over, but “She's Got Issues” fails as an adult sequel to “Self-Esteem,” ending two verses by resenting what this "baggage"-laden kook Holland’s dating says in bed. In 2025, begrudging being called “Daddy” may be more dated than “Pretty Fly”’s Ricki Lake shoutout.

The Offspring covered AFI (then still on The Offspring’s label Nitro) on the Me, Myself And Irene soundtrack, reaffirming their punk roots (*shrugs*). Not that they’d given up on pre-adolescent pandering or anything, as proven by “Original Prankster.” The first single on Conspiracy Of One is a baffling sequel to “Pretty Fly,” loaded with yet more “Latino” hooks (“You can do eet!”), plus Redman speaking the title, all this junk just to buttress an incoherent tale of a prankster becoming a drug lord in the Carribean or just pretending to be one to “bang hoochie mamas.” Somehow this limp grab-bag of noises and buzzwords (“crime, crime/ rockin’ like Janet Reno") was only kept from the #1 spot by Fuel’s “Hemorrhage (In My Hands).” Yes, it’s a DEUCE.

Beck
“Tropicalia” (alternative chart peak: #21, debut week: 10/24/98) 0
“Sexx Laws” (peak: #21, debut: 10/23/99) -1
“Mixed Bizness” (peak: #36, debut: 3/4/00) -1
“Lost Cause” (peak: #36, debut: 3/15/03) -1
“E-Pro” (peak: #1, debut: 2/19/05) -1
“Girl” (peak: #8, debut: 6/18/05) -1
“Nausea” (peak: #13, debut: 9/9/06) -1
Shit Points (Round 2): -6

Beck said he wanted 1998’s Mutations to be an indie release, but Geffen denied him, believing the album of mellow folk and Latin homage was worth shipping and promoting themselves. I agree with Beck, and find it pretty mid. I immediately adored Midnite Vultures in college, though, with its delirious, surreal meditations on masculine identity. It was the “Gen-X Dylan” meets Sign “O” The Times, and its failure to blow up still bums me out. Sea Change was too monochromatically forlorn and merely beautiful to adore, but the bitter resignation of “Lost Cause” is the closest it comes to a standard. Guero and The Information are pop-rock product compared to the ‘90s albums, but spiriting singles are what pop-rock product is about, and both have them.

I think it’s clear Beck won’t be winning this thing.

311
“Come Original” (alternative chart peak: #6, debut week: 9/11/99) 1
“Flowing” (peak: #17, debut: 1/29/00) 1
“You Wouldn’t Believe” (peak: #7, debut: 6/16/01) 1
“I’ll Be Here Awhile” (peak: #15, debut: 10/6/01) 0
“Amber” (peak: #13, debut: 3/9/02) -1
“Creatures (For A While)” (peak: #3, debut: 7/12/03) 2
“Beyond The Gray Sky” (peak: #39, debut: 11/22/03) 0
Shit Points (Round 2): 4

311 might win this. The pair of songs from 1999's Soundsytem are nasal, turdburgling ganja-thrash, rightly proud of its originality and offering nothing else. But after a more-of-the-same-suckage first single, 2001’s From Chaos took a serious risk: turning down “SHIT-METAL” on the mixing board, while leaving “REGGAE” up. “I’ll Be Here Awhile”’s manic drum sound keeps its breezy ska from being more than pleasant, but “Amber,” god help me, is a lovely, lively bit of dopey hippie reggae. A celebration of beach-side synesthesia, with echoing guitar leads rippling across the ocean. Is it inane? Sure. But it’s also kind of marvelous.

Sadly, 311 hadn’t thrown their distortion pedals into the bay. Evolver’s “Creatures (For A While)” reaffirms they could still write a defensive multi-part trudge with shrill, nagging raps, and that 311 is committed to being down, down. DEUCE. “Beyond The Gray Sky,” get this, evolves into metal after two minutes of chill reggae. The idea of a 311 artfully building to a climax, starting at 4:20, but turning the amps to 11 gradually… I can’t be mad. 

THE BOTTOM FIVE
311 (2 Rounds): 8 Shit Points
Papa Roach (1 Round): 4 Shit Points
Cage The Elephant (1 Round): 3 Shit Points
Korn (1 Round): 1 Shit Point
U2, The Offspring (2 Rounds): -1 Shit Points

As you can see, 311 made a big leap towards the toilet today. U2's Achtung Baby got Bono off the podium, and The Offspring's Ay Caramba! put Dexter a lot closer to it. But three bands in the shit haven't given their second blast yet, and trust me - this is still anyone's game. Get pumped for Round 2, Pt. 2!

Comments, questions, and complaints that I just don't get it, should be sent to anthonyisright at gmail dot com.