Round 1, Pt. 2: Who's The Worst ALTERNATIVE RADIO GOD?

Twenty-four acts have placed more than 20 songs on the Alternative Airplay (formerly Modern Rock Songs) chart since its dawn in 1988. To determine which pseudo-hipster radio perennial is the worst of the lot, I'm looking at their hits and assigning each Shit Points: -1 point if I'm glad the song exists, 0 points if I don't care, 1 point if I wish didn't exist and 2 points (the DEUCE) if I wish it didn't exist and it made the Top 5. In Round 1, I'm assessing the first seven singles of each act. Round 1, Part 1 covered the initial hits of early alt-favorites from U2 through The Offspring. Part 2 will deal with the twelve most frequently-charting bands who showed up after The Offspring. Excited? Read on!

Weezer
“Undone - The Sweater Song” (alternative chart peak: #6, debut week: 7/23/94) -1
“Buddy Holly” (peak: #2, debut: 11/5/94) -1 
“Say It Ain’t So” (peak: #7, debut: 6/10/95) -1
“El Scorcho” (peak: #19, debut: 9/21/96) -1
“The Good Life” (peak: #32, debut: 1/11/97) -1
“Hash Pipe” (peak: #2, debut: 4/28/01) -1
“Island In The Sun” (peak: #11, debut: 7/21/01) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -7

Proceed to Pitchfork if you don’t understand. Again, I chose to do these posts. For free. I’m totally the kind of xennial that loved The Blue Album (10.0) immediately, grew to really love Pinkerton (10.0) by college, and would have happily listened to Rivers Cuomo sing the phone book when The Green Album (4.0, but they didn't even bother to keep the author's name in the archive, lol) came out. I didn’t realize there were worse forms of inspiration than the phone book, though. But we'll get into that next time.

Foo Fighters
“This Is A Call” (alternative chart peak: #2, debut week: 7/8/95) -1
“I’ll Stick Around” (peak: #8, debut: 9/23/95) 0
“Big Me” (peak: #3, debut: 1/27/96) 2
“Monkey Wrench” (peak: #9, debut: 5/3/97) -1
“Everlong” (peak: #3, debut: 8/2/97) -1
“My Hero” (peak: #6, debut: 1/17/98) -1
“Walking After You” (peak: #12, debut: 6/6/98) 0
Shit Score (Round 1): -2

Ah, the ‘90s. Back when it was a pleasant surprise to discover Nirvana’s Ringo could have been their Paul. To think, we might have even heard these songs on Nirvana albums! Or at least the riffs. After all, it’s the riffs you remember, and I don’t know if Grohl wanted to be Don Henley, singing behind the kit. I still love the one that goes “fingernails are pretty, fingernails are good," but the shrieking on the follow-up feels flat compared to Kurt’s today, and the incoherent inanity of “Big Me” earns a bonafide DEUCE. It’s the first time Nirvana’s hypothetical Paul put out some annoying alt-rock Wings, though nowhere near the last.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone claim The Colour And The Shape isn't the best Foo Fighters album, and it certainly has their best singles. “Monkeywrench” might be their most fun kiss-off, and “Everlong” will always be their best romantic meltdown, so sincerely overwrought that David Letterman lost his shit to it (and remember, that guy giggled about “Black”!). Fans have long assumed “My Hero” concerns a conflicted relationship with a role model/martyr (gee…who could that be?), but supposedly it’s a tribute to first responders and good samaritans, bawled because it’s the only way Dave knew how to sing. “Walking After You” ain’t bad for one of those needy love songs that may be knowingly creepy, but I’m annoyed how often he sings “matter of fact.” It’s such a filler phrase. If you can’t believe someone would be so cranky about such a nice guy, wait for Round 2.

Blink-182
“Dammit (Growing Up)” (alternative chart peak: #11, debut week: 10/11/97) -1
“What’s My Age Again?” (peak: #2, debut: 5/8/99) 2
“All The Small Things” (peak: #1, debut: 10/16/99) -1
“Adam’s Song” (peak: #2, debut: 3/18/00) -1
“Man Overboard” (peak: #2, debut: 9/30/00) 0
“The Rock Show” (peak: #2, debut: 5/19/01) 0
“Stay Together For The Kids” (peak: #7, debut: 9/22/01) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -2

The arc of alternative radio: R.E.M. were for the proudly atypical. Pearl Jam were for the young & troubled. Green Day were troubled, young men. Blink-182 were little shits. Their breakthrough, and best song, “Dammit," ironically suggested romantic rejection might inspire wisdom & maturity, along with anger and frustration. Instead, they returned in ’99 with a DEUCE about how cute it is to gay-bait and treat women like shit (all rebuttals can be sent directly to your therapist). “All The Small Things” is genuinely cute, though, with its joyous na-na-nas and unexpected sentiments like “surprises let me know she cares.” The suicide note “Adam’s Song” is a reminder that little shits have feelings too, doubly terrifying when you’re old enough to care about little shits younger than you. 

I don’t recall the song attached to the live album (I was an indie rock DJ in college, thank you very much), but MTV made sure I knew the singles from Take Off Your Pants And Jacket. More arpeggio breaks and power chord blitzes, more show-off drum rolls from Travis Barker, with lyrics suggesting these guys were aging backwards. “The Rock Show” is too corny a Warped Tour tribute to tolerate, but “Stay Together For The Kids” captures adolescent resentment poignantly enough to transcend the title’s dubious recommendation. Would the next album concern potty training? And from whose perspective?

Korn
“Got The Life” (alternative chart peak: #17, debut week: 8/22/98) -1
“Freak On A Leash” (peak: #6, debut: 2/20/99) -1
“Falling Away From Me” (peak: #7, debut: 11/13/99) 0
“Make Me Bad” (peak: #7, debut: 2/19/00) 1
“Somebody Someone” (peak: #23, debut: 7/22/00) 1
“Here To Stay” (peak: #4, debut: 3/30/02) 0
“Thoughtless” (peak: #11, debut: 6/29/02) 1
Shit Points (Round 1): 1

I never get tired of pointing out that rap-rock, far more than grunge, was the real throughline of cutting-edge ‘90s rock: Faith No More, Beastie Boys, Rage Against The Machine, Cake (lol), these guys, Limp Bizkit. Nonetheless, I understand why many who dug “Epic” and “Sabotage” still weren’t ready for Korn. Instead of punchy barking over metal sludge being part of a heady musical stew, Korn were more monotonous, sillier for being more sincere. Their singer was a Tasmanian devil with PTSD, the bass sounded like a flat tire, and all of them looked like skate-park butt-nuggets who saw Vanilla Ice live before and after the dreadlocks. Gen Xers who’d moved on to indie rock or real metal weren’t ready to admit these kids learned to make shit casseroles from Mike Patton.

The two singles from Follow The Leader are gloriously goofy head-banger novelties: I once looped Jonathan Davis’ “oom-dakda-EEBAH” break from "Freak On A Leash" for a solid three minutes on my college radio show. But once Korn were established as Important, Credible Rock Stars, magazines eager to find writers who’d give the new album four stars, the singles merely reaffirmed the formula/agony with less arresting nuances (yes, I’m calling cartoon snarling a “nuance”). “Here To Stay” benefits from producer Michael Bienhorn demanding Bonham-sized beats underneath Fieldy’s trademark flabby bass, but Davis was quickly becoming a humorless Mike Patton. Which, uh…yikes.

Linkin Park
“One Step Closer” (alternative chart peak: #5, debut week: 1/7/00) -1
“Crawling” (peak: #5, debut: 3/31/01) 0 
“In The End” (peak: #1, debut: 8/5/01) -1
“Papercut” (peak: #32, debut: 3/16/02) 0
“Runaway” (peak: #40, debut: 7/6/02) 0
“Pts.OF.Authrty” (peak: #29, debut: 8/10/02) 0
“Somewhere I Belong” (peak: #1, debut: 3/15/03) -1
Shit Points (Round 1): -3

When your nu-metal band manages to recall Depeche Mode, Vanilla Ice and Alice Cooper in one song, it’s no surprise when people assume you’re an industry plant. It’s also no surprise when your album sells ten million. The Hybrid Theory singles before and after the monumental smash, “In The End,” are more typical rap-rock, but with a digital crispness that had people assuming they were a boy-band biz concoction, rather than canny aspiring pros (who did meet their singer through an industry contact). The remix album, with its edgy filenames and anime iconography, helped to distinguish their glitchy sound-effects from NSYNC’s, though you could still do Wade Robson choreography to this stuff.

How does a band keep whining and ruminating when their biggest hit swears they’re done thinking about your trespasses against them? By realizing that the problem is…them! “The fault is my own! And the fault is my own!” announces MC Mike Shinoda on “Somewhere I Belong,” the first single on Meteora, singer Chester Bennington concurring “I will never be anything until I break away from me.” You’d think this melodramatic therapy-speak would grow more embarassing with time, but it’s kind of sweet. Plus, I Shinoda’s stentorian vocal style has been ironically normalized by The Lonely Island.

Papa Roach
“Last Resort” (alternative chart peak: #1, debut week: 4/22/00) -1
“Broken Home” (peak: #9, debut: 10/7/00) 0
“Between Angels And Insects” (peak: #16, debut: 3/3/01) 0
“She Loves Me Not” (peak: #5, debut: 5/25/02) 2
“Time And Time Again” (peak: #33, debut: 10/19/02) 1
“Getting Away With Murder” (peak: #4, debut: 7/31/04) 0
“Scars” (peak: #2, debut: 11/20/04) 2
Shit Score (Round 1): 4

For all its TRL iconicity, “Last Resort” was more rap-metal than its chart-mates, thanks to an atypically “Crazy Train” guitar hook. Papa Roach’s commitment to mighty wallop keeps singer Jacoby Shaddix’s proudly mundane bellyaching from sinking the other singles from their debut, Infest, and might explain why critics were eager to praise 2002’s Lovehatetragedy upon release (four stars in Rolling Stone!). Any hope the Roach would be nu-metal’s Deep Purple, with riffs so great you don’t sweat the shrieker describing how the album got recorded, is sunk by Shaddix claiming primacy in the sludgier mix. His wounded lyrics were also far more insufferable than Ian Gillian’s flare guns and mobile trucks. Today, these songs sound like dumber Deftones. “She Loves Me Not,” a humorless “Nookie” hooked around the momentous realization that “life’s not fair,” very much earns the DEUCE.

The title track of their third album could be mistaken for a less rabid Korn, but the crossover ballad “Scars” (a top 20 pop hit!) is as sniveling as Simple Plan. Shaddix mewls “my weakness is that I care too much!” as the band gallops behind him with subtle eccentricity, just tricky enough to keep themselves awake. Belatedly noticing the drummer’s refusal to sleepwalk almost saves “Scars” from the DEUCE its long earned, but that will only distract you from Shaddix’s blubbering self-pity for so long.

Coldplay
“Yellow” (alternative chart peak: #6, debut week: 12/2/00) -1
“Shiver” (peak: #26, debut; 5/19/01) 1
“Trouble” (peak: #28, debut: 10/27/01) -1
“In My Place” (peak: #17, debut: 7/20/02) 0
“Clocks” (peak: #9, debut: 11/30/02) -1
“The Scientist” (peak: #18, debut: 4/26/03) -1
“Moses” (peak: #24, debut: 11/8/03) 1
Shit Score (Round 1): -2

With Radiohead bleep-blooping away from sing-alongs, and most popular rock screaming at mom through the door, it’s no wonder the nice arena rockers of the early ‘00s were so grateful for Coldplay. “Yellow” is an unspeakably adorable introduction, smartly diluted by the band atypically rocking hard (relatively) behind Chris Martin’s cooing, and fuck you if you can’t appreciate that. The follow-ups are less transcendent, Martin going from cooing to mooing on “Shiver,” but it’s become novel to hear a prominent live rhythm section behind his soaring romantic banality.

Leading off A Rush Of Blood To The Head, “In My Place” is one of those more-of-the-same singles setting the stage for ambitious follow-ups. “Clocks” awed critics and audiences alike by aiming for Radiohead’s abstract grandeur while staying darling and romantic. “The Scientist” provided the moony eyed a post-Thom Yorke “Without You,” and fuck you if you can’t appreciate that. A live love letter to Gwyneth Paltrow, sharing a name with their future son, is the only of these songs not on Spotify's This Is Coldplay. If you’re a very pleasant person who doesn’t get why I’m being mean about “Shiver” or “In My Place,” you should make sure you know it. Everybody else, steer clear. It sounds like U2, if Bono was a build-a-bear.

Muse
“Time Is Running Out” (alternative chart peak: #9, debut week: 4/10/04) -1
“Hysteria (I Want It Now)” (peak: #9, debut: 9/11/04) -1
“Stockholm Syndrome” (peak: #1, debut: 5/21/05) -1
“Knights Of Cydonia” (peak: #10, debut: 7/1/06) -1
“Starlight” (peak: #2, debut: 11/1/06) -1
“Supermassive Black Hole” (peak: #6, debut: 5/19/07) -1
“Uprising” (peak: #1, debut: 8/22/2009) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -7

Coldplay answered the question “what if Radiohead just wanted to write songs that make the whole world happy?” Muse answers the question “what if Radiohead just wanted to rock you, Queen-style?” While both are virtuous missions, I generally prefer the latter: if you’re going to pander, pander my face off. I can’t always tell the singles off Absolution apart, but that’s okay. All involve searing riffs, slamming drums, weird keyboard gurgles (which might actually be guitars or the latest in keytars, I bet the liner notes say) and Matt Bellamy wailing about needing everything now before the bombs drop or something. Leading off Black Holes And Revelations, “Knights Of Cydonia” is one of those more-of-the-same singles setting the stage for ambitious follow-ups…which is hilarious, because “more of the same” was some 21st century “Immigrant Song” shit. But “Starlight” triumphantly went for Coldplay’s “Clocks” money, while “Supermassive Black Hole” was unconscionably foxy runway-bait, as if Freddie Mercury lived to hear George Michael’s “Too Funky,” and wanted to top it.

As the decade came to an end, Muse re-wrote “Rock And Roll Part 2” as an anthem for The Rebel Alliance. Dude. I’ve always appreciated Muse, but hearing these songs all in a row…I may have been seriously underrating them. I did not expect to feel Beck-level gratitude for their singles, but I do. At least after all that nu-metal. Give the children something to aspire to, y’know?

The Killers
“Somebody Told Me” (alternative chart peak: #3, debut week: 5/29/04) -1
“Mr. Brightside” (peak: #3, debut: 10/16/04) -1
“Smile Like You Mean It” (peak: #15, debut: 4/2/05) -1 
“All These Things That I’ve Done” (peak: #10, debut: 7/23/05) -1
“When You Were Young” (peak: #1, debut: 7/29/06) -1
“Bones” (peak: #21, debut: 11/25/06) 1
“Read My Mind” (peak: #8, debut: 1/20/07) -1
Shit Score (Round 1): -5

It may be hard to believe now, but critics were initially torn on The Killers. Was this genuinely worthwhile music or mere retro froth? Personally, I think retro is worthwhile if it’s frothy enough, and the Hot Fuss singles were frothy as fuck. Songs like "Somebody Told Me" were a bombastic improvement on ABC’s Beauty Stab, the band's Martin Fry (a Vegas-born Mormon named Brandon Flowers) too consumed by sex and rocking out to even think about geopolitics. “Mr. Brightside” is the rare song about refusing to let romantic envy bring you down, with multiple generations now adoring its thundering defiance of the self-pity that long defined radio rock. I still think “I got a soul, but I’m not a soldier” is an idiotic bridge (yes, even when mimed by Justin Timberlake in a two-and-half-hour SNL movie about time portals), but why shouldn’t irrepressible ‘80s homages be idiotic?

Ironically, my love of froth was put to the test by the even more hysterical Sam's Town, with lyrics like “we’re going down the highway skyline, on the back of a hurricane” suggesting Bruce Springsteen having a coke-induced stroke (“every once in a little while”?). I soon surrendered to the first single's drama, though “Bones” was unwarrantedly overbaked enough (trumpets? a male chorus?) to kill the band’s commercial momentum. It’s a shame, as “Read My Mind” is an effective Achtung Baby tribute, and “For Reasons Unknown” (which didn’t even chart!) is a kooky, commanding panic attack right down to the faux-theremin. Maybe they’d make up for it next time…

Rise Against
“Give It All” (alternative chart peak: #37, debut: 1/1/05) -1
“Swing Life Away” (peak: #12, debut: 5/28/05) 0
“Life Less Frightening” (peak: #33, debut: 12/24/05) -1
“Ready To Fall” (peak: #13, debut: 6/24/06) -1
“Prayer Of The Refugee” (peak: #7, debut: 12/16/06) -1
“The Good Left Undone” (peak: #6, debut: 7/14/07) -1
“Re-Education (Through Labor)” (peak: #3, 9/06/08) 0
Shit Points (Round 1): -5

Confession: Terrestrial radio was a thing of the past for me by 2006, and I don’t always remember Rise Against and Born Against are different bands. But, so we all know, Born Against was a short-lived hardcore band from the turn of the ‘90s, and Rise Against is a political punk-rock band from Chicago from the ‘00s. Rise Against also became an alt-radio mainstay, with two platinum albums, despite me never knowingly hearing a note. This would seem to put them in an unfair position here. But as we’re judging worst rather than best, I can take the unfamiliarity into account more easily. Plus, unlike with older bands, I have no sense of how actively annoying they could be after an ad break. 

I’m happy to report their initial major label work fondly recalls Bad Religion, though singer Tim McIlrath sings suspiciously well on the acoustic number, like he could be Duncan Sheik or Ryan Cabrera if he felt like it (reportedly the label insisted on the song's inclusion). SoCal punk legend Bill Stevenson co-produced several of their albums, and I’m glad to learn the kids had time for this kind of earnest, politically conscious, “woah-oh”-laden, punk thunder. If anything, I might be overrating them! I can't wait to meet a Hot Topic consumer someday, say I like Rise Against, and be told that old stuff is okay. For more information about Bill Stevenson, please consult Wikipedia!

Cage The Elephant
“Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked” (peak: #3, debut week: 4/4/09) 2
“Back Against The Wall” (peak: #1, debut week: 8/22/09) 0
“In One Ear” (peak: #1, debut week: 4/24/10) 2
“Shake Me Down” (peak: #1, debut week: 12/04/10) 0
“Around My Head” (peak: #15, debut week: 5/28/11) 0
“Aberdeen” (peak: #7, debut: 10/01/11) -1
“Always Something” (peak: #39, debut: 4/28/12) 0
Shit Score (Round 1): 3

Foster The People I know from “Pumped Up Kicks” (“Young Folks” meets “I Don’t Like Mondays,” genius). But before writing this post, I didn’t really know Cage The Elephant from Young The Giant or Save The Whales. It’s probably Foster’s fault that I didn’t expect Cage to have a warmed-over Jack White shtick: exaggerated southern drawling with a little hippity-hop bop to it. My initial desire was to say “oh great, Jet with a slide guitar” and go back to blissful ignorance. But it wouldn’t be fair to just load them with shit points on first blush.

Of the singles from their self-titled debut, “Aint No Rest For The Wicked” (which compares the financial needs of the “preacher-man” and the whore) and “In One Ear” (“So all the critics who despise us, go ahead and criticize us, it’s your tyranny that drives us”) are self-satisfied corn enough to earn the band TWO DEUCES, but “Back Against The Wall” suggests they could at least be as tolerable as Everlast if they’d chill out. The singles on Thank You, Happy Birthday turn down the twang for overt Pixies homage (though Matt Shultz still asks if we “can dig it” on “Around My Head”), rendering them merely mediocre. Actually, “Aberdeen” would be a great modern Pixies song. Maybe their stunning number of chart-toppers to come won’t be deuce city!

Twenty One Pilots
“Holding On To You” (alternative chart peak: #10, debut week: 1/12/13) -1
“House Of Gold” (peak: #10, debut week: 10/26/13) 0
“Car Radio” (peak: #28, debut week: 5/24/14) 0
“Tear In My Heart” (peak: #2, debut: 4/25/15) 0
“Stressed Out” (peak: #1, debut: 8/29/15) 0
“Ride” (peak: #1, debut: 1/30/16) -1 
“Heathens” (peak: #1, debut: 7/09/16) -1
Shit Score (Round): -3 

I had SiriusXM during 21 Pilots’ pop moment almost a decade ago (jeepers), so I actually had a take about the band before this post! That take was that an elder millennial left their college CD binder at home, their younger brother ingesting The Dresden Dolls, Beck, Ben Folds, Fiona Apple, Barenaked Ladies, Mos Def & Talib Kweli, Ani DiFranco… Years later, when the older sibling screamed “who taught you to sing-rap about your emotions over keyboard piano? Who?” The kid responded “I learned it from you, OK? I learned it by watching you!” For all their then-disconcerting tattoos and exaggerated skatewear, their musical aesthetic was reminiscent of a noble, young Tibetan Freedom Festival attendee/hackeysack hip-hop dilettante thing. Which also let me claim “Ride” is the best Vampire Weekend song not by Vampire Weekend.

As for the singles preceding the unabashed late-adolescent wistfulness of “Stressed Out” (which society has unfortunately let age well), the effortless leaps from indie to hip-hop to everything else are still impressive a decade later. “House Of Gold” is a woah-woah stomp-clap promising to look out for mommy, “Holding On To You’s” mix of instrumental uplift and romantic rap could be a Girl Talk construction, and, just when “Car Radio” starts to get annoying, it breaks into a techno-screamo coda. “Heathens,” the love theme from David Ayer’s Suicide Squad, is hooky enough to make its tough talk amusing (their brains are hand grenades!). I don’t need much of their sensitive gamer introspection, but it’s hard to hate. 

RECAP: At the end of Round 1...U2, 311 and Papa Roach are photo-finish frontrunners with 4 Shit Points each, though Cage The Elephant took on 3 Shit Points, and Korn a disrespectable 1 Shit Point. The other 19 acts are in the negative, but - with U2 leaving the Rattle & Hum era, Weezer entering the land of Make Believe, and so many late-stage singles unknown to me (Green Day has a lot of 21st century hits) - much could change in Round 2...

If you think I've forgotten an act, check Billboard, make sure they had at least 20 hits on the Alternative Airplay chart, and then let me know at anthonyisright at gmail dot com. You can let me know other stuff there, too.