I Listened To Billboard's Top 20 Songs Of 2022!
The Billboard Top 40. I spent an unthinkable number of hours in the 2010s investigating and playlisting past hits, delighted to find new-to-me names like Ashton, Gardner & Dyke, Four Jacks & A Jill, and Kyper. I’ve spent plenty of time this decade complaining that the chart has devolved into a handful of hits from a dozen or so artists, slowly drifting like tectonic plates, taking months upon months to disappear, interrupted only by album drops, the occasional viral novelty and the humiliating Christmas deluge (holiday perennials make up 7 of the Top 10 singles this week, 27 of the Top 40. Two are by Gene Autry). While social media armies still give a shit about who tops the thing, I can’t imagine anyone being a fan of the Top 40 itself anymore. In the late 20th century, when young enthusiasts would waste away a Sunday morning learning what's burning up the jukeboxes, it was remarkable when a “Bette Davis Eyes” could stick around for a quarter of a year. Today, Casey Kasem would either be announcing the presence of Metro Boomin’ for a quarter of the show, or celebrating an Ed Sheeran song’s thirtieth week in the top 20. Non-consecutive of course… Thank you very much, Bobby Helms.
Before I had a kid, I used to make a Youtube playlist out of the Billboard Year-End Hot 100, and watch it on New Years Eve. But with Mariah Carey at 65 this year for a song that came in at 78 last year and 67 the year before that, it’s hard to pretend you're dealing with the toppermost of the poppermost by bothering to dig that deep. However, twenty two songs managed to get more love from the marketplace this year than my favorite Kate Bush single (which it still is, because I don’t watch Stranger Things or engage with memes related to it). So I decided to check out twenty. Gotta keep up with the kids, you know. Assuming kids have anything to do with what's on here.
A few of these songs made the Billboard Year-End Hot 100 in 2021 too. As I said, these songs are tectonic plates now. If this pisses you off, by all means, take it up with Billboard. I’d love to live in a country where we could at least pretend 80 songs got more sales, streams & radio play in a year than “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” I included YouTube links in case you too are ignorant, but morbidly curious.
At 91 weeks, this wheedly ode to horniness circa climate change just claimed the record for the longest run in Hot 100 history, pushing aside previous champions The Weeknd ("Blinding Lights," 90 weeks), Imagine Dragons, (“Radioactive," 87 weeks), Jason Mraz (“I’m Yours," 76 weeks) and LeAnn Rimes (“How Do I Live," 69 weeks). I don’t think I’ve ever heard it in the wild, but then I wasn’t in the wild or listening to radio much this year or last. The Wikipedia page for the song says Glass Animals is a “British experimental rock band,” which is very funny. Maybe it’s a Genesis situation, and "Heat Waves" is their “Invisible Touch.” In the pantheon of endlessly inescapable radio fare above, I probably prefer it to “How Do I Live.”
Whenever this stoic feather boa owner comes up in polite conversation, I usually just acknowledge the guy's handsomeness, admire his fashion sense and lyrical specifics, reference Elton John & Andy Gibb, and move on. But in my smug indifference to his MOR dreamboatery, I missed that this song sounds endearingly like mid-‘00s blog pop. While Harry's not getting in my hot tub, this would be a real winner from The French Kicks (who made a video long ago with Olivia Wilde, oddly enough). It's honestly a relief to know he's got one single I can champion next polite conversation. After all, even Andy had a “Shadow Dancing”!
3. The Kid Laroi & Justin Bieber, "Stay"
I have to say, I never listened to A-Ha and thought “I’d like this more if they were yelling profanities at women.”
Adele in 2015, on being dumped by someone who promised everlasting love: “Send my love to your new lover/ treat her better…we both know we ain’t kids no more.” Adele in 2021, on dumping someone after promising everlasting love: “go easy on me, baby/ I was still a child.” If there’s a related song where she acknowledges the irony of the sympathy she demands compared to how little she’s given, I’m not aware of it. No fan of narcissistic hypocrisy, I find the earlier anthems considerably more cathartic.
I don’t hate this, but it sounds like a Shawn Mendes hit played at a higher pitch. I wouldn’t have even recognized it as Sheeran on the radio. It's a little unsettling, though the real poptimists must be used to it by now.
At the risk of being insensitive…It’s 2022. Who was Drake not white enough for?
I have to say, I never listened to Tom Tom Club or Mariah Carey and thought “I’d like this more if a woman was swearing up a storm about how she was gonna fuck me real good.” But I will now.
A downside to my ability to ignore pop hits in the streaming era: I’m still not desensitized to some dill-pickle yelping under aggressive autotune.
9. Kodak Black, "Super Gremlin"
Getting a pardon from Donald Trump isn’t going to make me cancel you less.
10. Elton John & Dua Lipa, "Cold Heart (Pnau Remix)"
Remember when I wrote about Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers? And that review where Robert Christgau got real mad that Bunny & Company ahistorically acted like swing music and early rock & roll were interchangeable oldies you could throw in a blender together? Do you know how much I love that Elton John did this to himself in regards to his ‘70s era and his ‘80s era? A lot.
11. Future featuring Drake & Tems, "Wait For U"
“Toxic King.” Charming! I know some have claimed autotuned bellyaching is 21st Century blues, but I just don’t feel that pang in my soul when a man complains he’s real and she’s not real when he’s “trapping all over the world” and she’s crying on the phone, the man - by no means fidelitous - sure she’s eventually just going to bang some other dude and sue him for child support anyway. I suppose I could be more empathetic. But I'm not getting paid to rationalize popular music trends. Yet!
I’m genuinely glad that people looking for some corny-ass anthems about loving yourself and getting the respect you deserve don’t have to settle for Meghan Trainor.
Ok, cool. I'm not crazy.
14. Lil Nas X, “That’s What I Want”
Yes! Pining for cuddles! That I can relate to! That I can see whining into your software about! “Shawn Mendes stole this song from Andre 3000…we’re stealing it back!” I’m into it. I’m really into it.
15. Imagine Dragons x J.I.D., “Enemy”
I can’t tell you if an Imagine Dragons song truly works for me until I’ve heard it on a Stairmaster, but this might. It’s definitely got that “I’m too badass for Hillsong” swagger. More than anything I’m embarrassed that I’d never heard of Arcane League Of Legends. Looks kind of dope! Wish my kid was old enough to know about it, and be embarrassed when I inquire.
16. Lil Nas X & Jack Harlow, "Industry Baby"
According to Wikipedia (always reliable, always right), Lil Nas X was three days old when “Hate Me Now” dropped. Young master Jack had been on earth just over a year. So I can’t swear I was complaining about about rappers whining about fair-weather friends over cheesy synth pre-sets since before they were born. Sure feels like it, though.
17. Gayle, “ABCDEFU”
There’s something quaint about bothering to make a pun around the word “fuck” a decade after that Cee-Lo hit. Did you know Gayle and Olivia Rodrigo were both born after “Complicated” came out? That's just wild.
I’m surprised people were willing to uncancel Dr. Luke for this level of Nicki homage. I’m sure not.
19. Morgan Wallen, “Wasted On You”
Another act I was happy to ignore out of respect for the cause. I’ve long believed the evolution of pop-country emulates the evolution of pop 10-15 years earlier, reflecting the relative age of the fanbase. Jerry Lee Lewis was rock & roll in 1957, scoring country hits by 1968. Kenny Rogers was pop in 1967, country in 1977. Vince Gill. Darius Rucker. Kid Rock. As kids become parents, they normalize new sounds in the adult market. So I shouldn’t have been surprised that, as regressive as Wallen’s persona is, the guy sounds a whole lot like T-Pain.
20. Bad Bunny and Chencho Corleone, “Me Porto Bonito”
I’m nobody’s idea of informed when it comes to reggaeton, but I guess it’s cool we’ve reached a place where a middle-of-the-road fifth single from an Spanish language album can go Top 5. Culturally, at least. Chencho sounding like Leo Sayer is a little more MOR than I need on my computer.
Twenty hits! I did it! In case you forgot, Dad over here liked "As It Was" and "That's What I Like" a lot, positively comparing them to great songs from the 2000s. And I'm not mad at Latto or Imagine Dragons multiplied by JID. And Elton John's megamix is amusing. Everything else I can do without. But if you clap hard enough, maybe I'll listen to the rest of the Top 40. OneRepublic's apparently back! Honestly, I'll probably find out what's up with that either way. "Counting Stars" was a jam...back when music mattered.