How Many Elvis Costello Album Openers Do I Hate?
Earlier this working week, I posted on Twitter that I cried out “what’s wrong with you?!” from my couch during the opening track of an unnamed Elvis Costello album. Soon, almost every album from the first twenty years of his career was mentioned in the replies as a possibility. Even songs I love! Always ready to make labor of out listening, I decided to revisit (or, in many cases, visit) the opening tracks of every Elvis Costello album - skipping the classical scores and collaborations - to see just how often I met holler with holler. If I don't, then nobody else will.
I get annoyed trying to measure songs on too elaborate a scale, but this is the kind of whimsy that benefits from giving the reader a "rating" to quibble with. So today we’ll go with three possibilties:
Keep it! - I’d put this song on a playlist, and buy an album that had enough songs this good or better.
Pass. - I don’t need this song in my life, but if it was on an album I like, I might not bother to skip it. The majority of songs in human history hopefully fit in this slot, so no shame in it.
What’s WRONG with you?! - There is no question I’m skipping this. And if I can’t, I’m questioning everything that lead to you making this song and everything that led to me having to hear it.
“Welcome To The Working Week” (My Aim Is True, 1977)
Wow, this guy’s as good as Graham Parker! Keep it!
“No Action” (This Year’s Model, 1978)
Woah, this guy's considerably better than Graham Parker! Keep it!
“Accidents Will Happen” (Armed Forces, 1979)
Fuck Graham Parker, this guy’s looking to take on ABBA! Keep it!
“Love For Tender” (Get Happy!, 1980)
Hold up. He’s gone back to Graham Parker. Pass.
“Clubland” (Trust, 1981)
Ok, he’s definitely better than Graham Parker. But yell with your nose pinched like that, and you’ll never be ABBA. Pass.
“Why Don’t You Love Me Like You Used To Do” (Almost Blue, 1981)
It’s weird that he didn't make a Rockpile type thing until Nick Lowe wasn’t producing, but I’ll take it. And…Keep it!
“Beyond Belief” (Imperial Bedroom, 1982)
Sometimes I can’t believe he managed to record this song. A tricky arrangement, a fuckton of words, and somehow everything plays off each other dramatically, with a result that's more novel than nasal. Keep it!
“Let Them All Talk” (Punch The Clock, 1983)
Recommended to anyone who ever heard a Phil Collins album and thought “I wish everybody on this track was more agitated. Still on the track, every single musician, but all of them more agitated. Give 'em some coke, spin them around three times blindfolded, and press record.” What’s WRONG with you?!
“The Only Flame In Town” (Goodbye Cruel World, 1984)
Sir, I know John Oates. Pass.
“Brilliant Mistake” (King Of America, 1986)
That’s better, Elvis. Lay off the horns. This T-Bone Burnett guy obviously puts you in a better headspace than Daryl Hall did. Keep it!
“Uncomplicated” (Blood & Chocolate, 1986)
The first time he thrilled old fans by bothering with a distorted power chord. I like those too, but what can I say? Dude conveys constipation when he’s aiming for passion. Pass.
“…This Town…” (Spike, 1989)
The '80s can end already. We’re good. Pass.
“The Other Side Of Summer” (Mighty Like A Rose, 1991)
I said the '80s can end. We’re good. You’ve given us plenty of it, Elvis. Plenty. Pass.
“Pony St.” (Brutal Youth, 1993)
Finally, he gets that memo about the '80s. Glad to have Pete Thomas back on drums. But that voice. Was everyone on Team Attractions so glad to be back in the studio with him that nobody said “hey, never make me hear you scream PONY STREEEEET again or I’ll hurt you”? Nobody even said “at least blow your nose first”? Were Lowe and Froom closing their eyes and thinking respectively about the rare 45s and antique Wurlitzers they’ll be able to buy from these sessions? What an anemic, enervated, pro forma coda. Clenched nose, clenched butt, clenched band. I actually missed the horns. What’s WRONG with you?!
“Strange” (Kojak Variety, 1995)
I think he might be making fun of Bob Dylan here. That bumps it up to a Pass.
“The Other End Of The Telescope” (All This Useless Beauty, 1996)
Oh, good. A ballad. We're safe. Pass.
“In The Darkest Place” (Painted From Memory, 1998)
I’ve got, like, eighty Dionne Warwick albums I haven’t heard yet. Starting my love affair with Burt Bacharach there. It's tempting to say “what’s wrong with you?!” when the back-up singers show up. But it's possible they were Burt’s idea. Pass.
“45” (When I Was Cruel, 2002)
Another middling “rock” opener. At least he’s willing to let his guitar take some of the weight off his adenoids this time. Pass.
“You Left Me In The Dark” (North, 2003)
Better than the sounds I’ll make if I marry a smoking hot jazz pianist ten years my junior. Pass.
“Button My Lip” (The Delivery Man, 2005)
Figures this guy would go Latin Playboys after dropping Mitchell Froom, the way he went Rockpile on Almost Blue after Nick Lowe. And I'm glad to hear him and Steve Nieve making all kinds of fuzzy, fun noises. An uptick for sure. But…that voice. Pass.
“On Your Way Down” (The River In Reverse, 2006)
Touissant didn’t just get paid - he’s got solo writing credits on half the tracks! Producer Joe Henry keeps things nice and swampy well beyond the needs of NPR. Elvis even shuts up for probably a whole minute on the end. Didn’t try to pass a kidney stone or anything. Keep it!
“No Hiding Place” (Momofuku, 2008)
I was gonna pass on this - decent later-period rock riffola, standard fussy vocal. Then this lyric caught my ear. “You sit in judgment and bitch/ Well, baby that’s rich/ You’re nothing but a snitch/ Na, na, na, na , na, na, na/ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na.” Well played, old man. Well played. Keep it!
“Down Among The Wine And Spirits” (Secret, Profane & Sugarcane, 2009)
T-Bone Burnett is back! I have to respect that, after more than 20 years of mileage and trophies after King Of America, this manages to kick off with even more chill. Keep it!
“National Ransom” (National Ransom, 2010)
This flattened clatter is more like what I’d assume an T-Bone Burnett/Elvis Costello collaboration would sound like today. Pass.
“Walk Us UPTOWN” (Wise Up Ghost, 2013)
I admire Elvis & the Roots greatly for making an entire album together. But the outcome is a more literary, more strident Gorillaz. Pass.
“Under Lime” (Look Now, 2018)
I’ll give him this. Almost thirty years after she lived on Pony Street, his voice somehow hasn’t gotten more painful. Pass.
“Revolution #49” (Hey Clockface, 2020)
Spoken word poetry over free jazz crescendos and a clarinet solo, capped with a muttered “Come sta? Come sta?” I blame…generations…of critics. Generations of them…for enabling this. What’s WRONG with you?!
“Farewell, OK” (The Boy Named If, 2022)
Like David Bowie once did (another guy who’d plausibly end an opening track by asking “come sta?” sotto voce), Elvis gets “comeback” talk every time he deigns to share an electric guitar over a forcebeat. Maybe this album earns the hype. Maybe I’ll find out once I can respond to “come sta?” without shuddering. Pass.
I came to this little project knowing I love his 70s work, get cranky about his lyrical clutter and nasal bombast soon after, and have considered him none of my business for most of this century. So what did I learn? Turns out he only made one opener since "Pony St" - the sonic shart that inspired this exercise - where I'd tramp the track down. And there's at least three where I'd be curious to hear song 2. And that means more than zero. Hey!