FINAL ROUND & RESULTS!: Who's The Worst ALTERNATIVE RADIO GOD?

Previously: Round 1, pt 1. Round 1, pt. 2. Round 2, pt. 1. Round 2, pt. 2. Round 3, pt. 1. Round 3, pt. 2. Round 4. Round 5.

We made it! After considering the relative repulsiveness of every act to make Billboard's Alternative Airplay chart (formerly Modern Rock Songs) more than twenty times, we're now in the rarified air of bands who've made the chart more than forty times. With Pearl Jam dismissed as too clean to consider after 35 songs accrued -11 Shit Points, that left us with only two bands big enough, and sometimes bad enough, to require further perusal. Will either wind up in the toilet? Both? Neither? Let's find out!

Remember: -1 Shit Points means I'm glad the song exists. 0 Shit Points means I don't really care, it's the radio, whatever. 1 Shit Point means I wish the song didn't exist. 2 Shit Points, or a DEUCE, means I wish it didn't exist, and it made the chart's Top 5. Inescapability definitely makes a bad song worse.

U2
“Get On Your Boots” (peak: #5, debut: 2/7/09) 2
“Magnificent” (peak: #19, debut: 3/28/09) 0
“I’ll Go Crazy If I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight” (peak: #31, debut: 8/15/09) 0
“Invisible” (peak: #28, debut: 2/22/14) 0
“The Miracle (Of Joey Ramone)” (peak: #22, debut: 10/18/14) 1
“Every Breaking Wave” (peak: #24, debut: 11/22/14) 0
“You’re The Best Thing About Me” (peak: #21, debut: 9/23/17) 0
Shit Points (Round 6): 3

Mapping out the singles for 2009’s No Line On The Horizon, I’m guessing U2 thought of “Get On Your Boots” like “The Fly,” a sly bit of edgy decadence to startle squares and seduce fence-sitters before putting out more traditional singles. The problem is that the song's pre-chorus is more annoying than the verse, and the chorus is more annoying than the pre-chorus. The song is also named after the pre-chorus. Though some say what I’d call the “pre-chorus,” “chorus” and “bridge” are respectively the “chorus,” “bridge” and “post-chorus.” This kind of confusion is fine, if people enjoy what they’re hearing. And when they don’t…DEUCE. “Magnificent,” presumably the album’s “Mysterious Ways,” is less irritating, but not actually fun or seductive either. By “I’ll Go Crazy If I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight,” it was clear the precedent for No Lines On The Horizon wasn’t Achtung Baby, but Pop. Zeitgeist and inspiration had once again abandoned U2, the band left preening, stultified and rudderless.

The related tour was massive anyway, but any buzz from that was shattered by the calamity of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark, the biggest, loudest Broadway bomb since...ever? Bono & The Edge’s songs weren’t the problem, but none of them transcended the mess either. Manager Paul McGuinness retired soon after, Madonna’s guy taking over. The band first returned from this chaos with a song for a Nelson Mandela pic that won the Golden Globe but not the Oscar (like Madonna for Evita!). Then came a 2014 Super Bowl ad to announce “Invisible” was available for free for the first day and a half on iTunes, the Bank Of America giving a dollar to Bono’s (RED) Charity for every download. The song is at least Coldplay good, though having the audience sing the outro in the ad was overselling things a bit.

That fall, the band and Apple took overselling free product to new heights by shoving the new Songs Of Innocence into everyone’s iTunes account without consent. Though they eventually realized nobody wants a gift glued into their record collection by force, U2 still never understood why people were so mad about a free album by a popular band. Maybe that’s why so few people heard “The Miracle (Of Joey Ramone)” by choice, or bothered to complain about the audacity of a dull attempt at 2010s stomp-clap (co-produced by OneRepublic’s Ryan Tedder!) named after the late punk icon. “Every Breaking Wave” passes the “Coldplay might put this out” bar, half-hearted grandiose bridge and all. 

While U2 was committed to releasing a companion to Songs Of Innocence named Songs Of Experience, dubious popularity be damned, the band decided what the world needed first - considering Brexit and the election of Donald Trump - was a Joshua Tree anniversary stadium run. Experience was finally released after the top-grossing tour in 2017, few outside the global cult bothering to find out if it was what we needed after Brexit and Trump. The charting single sounds too much like lesser classic U2 for Coldplay to put out, which might be a compliment. 

Foo Fighters
“Waiting On A War” (peak: #8, debut: 2/6/21) 1
“Making A Fire” (peak: #6, debut: 6/26/21) 1
“Love Dies Young” (peak: #6, debut: 12/4/21) 0
“Rescued” (peak: #1, debut: 4/29/23) 0
“Under You” (peak: #1, debut: 8/12/23) -1
“The Glass” (peak: #7, debut: 1/20/24) 0
“Today’s Song” (peak: #2, debut: 7/12/25) 2
Shit Points (Round 6): 3

That rhythm & grunge grandeur I found in “Shame Shame” is sadly absent from the following singles on 2021’s Medicine At Midnight. “Waiting On A War” repeats its title as if it grows more profound each time, and “Making A Fire” sounds like late ‘80s Richard Marx and late ‘90s Lenny Kravitz songs played on top of each other. The relatively catchy “Love Dies Young” isn’t just sadly ironic lyrically, but musically: the chugging beat - very "Barracuda" in a Big Country - is the best thing about it, and drummer Taylor Hawkins died suddenly mid-tour a few months after its release.

A pair of all-star concert tributes to Hawkins came in September 2022, veteran session drummer Josh Freese taking over the kit. 2023’s But Here We Are reportedly expressed Dave Grohl’s feelings about losing both Hawkins and his mother, though it’s not like his fraught relationship with mortality wasn't a muse already. As such, nothing about “Rescued”’s plea for divine intervention (“we’re all free to some degree to dance under the lights…bring me back to life”), or the emotional distance described in “The Glass” (“there's something between us/ between me and you”) shows newfound perspective. It's tempting to say “Under You” makes something of its incoherence, suggesting we don’t have to unpack contradictory emotions holding us back to have faith they can be overcome. But I may just appreciate its relative speed and melody. 

Though Grohl’s recent publicity scandals give credence to my sense that he’s not above the rock cliche detected in his lyrics, I swear I’d hate “Today’s Song” even if his nose was unquestionably clean. I don’t need to hear dads of any quality slowly jumble river metaphors and vague “which side are you on” prompts, before hollering a carpe diem title that doubles as a suggestion he’s got journals of this shit at home. DEUCE.

But hold up! We’re not done! With either band! Please enjoy…Round 7!

U2
“Atomic City” (peak: #14, debut: 10/14/23) 1
“Picture Of You (X+W)” (peak: #28, debut: 10/26/24) 0
Shit Points (Round 7): 1

Though U2’s single from the Sing 2 soundtrack failed to chart, I highly recommend the movie to anyone fascinated by Bono. Our hero plays Clay Calloway, a rock star lion who became a recluse after the death of his wife. Several famous U2 songs are presented as big Calloway hits, and a hedgehog voiced by Scarlett Johansson sings “Stuck In A Moment You Can’t Get Out Of” to bring him back out of hiding. Considering Ali Hewson is very much alive, the meta-fictional navelgazing (for kids!) is a real trip. I haven’t read Bono’s memoir, or heard the quadruple-CD of dramatic re-recordings the band released along side it, so I can’t say whether they’re a trip too.

The Alternative Airplay chart was finally dented again in 2023, with a medley of Blondie’s “Atomic” and Prince’s “Erotic City” designed to promote U2’s residency at the Sphere in Las Vegas. I kid…about ”Atomic City” being a cover medley. It's a regrettable original that’s about as “glam” as a Green Day demo, but everything else is true. Edge haters definitely need to hear the wah-wah solo, too. Edge enthusiasts should check out “Picture Of You (X+W),” an outtake from How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb released to celebrate the album’s 20th anniversary (I know, right?). "Picture" reaffirms the guitarist was on his game riff-wise at the time, even if the track wanders enough to explain not making the cut in ’04.

Foo Fighters
“Asking For A Friend” (peak: #40, debut: 11/1/25) 0
Shit Points (Round 7): 0
It’s possible the Foos’ second stand-alone single of 2025 will reach a peak higher than its initial appearance at #40 this week (Billboard logic providing the November "debut" date), but it might not. The song's fate may depend on whether people appreciate its heavy swagger, or resent Dave Grohl demanding a credible sincerity from “you” that he notoriously failed to muster in private. Personally, I’m amused by the dodge in the title; he’s not the one who angrily needs to know “what is real” - a friend does. Or wait…is he the one asking what is real, and also asking for friendship? Layers. Layers of guitar tracks. Layers of meaning. All bristling with emotion and fury. I think Grohl’s brand - sorry, band - has what it takes to eventually have more charting Alternative Airplay singles than U2, this one pushing them past Pearl Jam’s 41 for the silver medal. The drama continues.

But not for us! We have deduced THE OFFENSIVE EIGHT. Let's count them down in ascending order of cumulative awfulness! Please note the inclusion of at least one hit I like from each act. I'm not a hater, just fond of punching up. In this case, it's really more like tickling up.

Blink-182
1 Shit Point
24 appearances (as of Billboard issue date 11/5/25) on the Alternative Airplay chart. 9 appreciated, 7 deemed regrettable.
3 DEUCES: “What’s My Age Again?” (#2, 1999), “She’s Out Of Her Mind” (#1, 2016), “ONE MORE TIME” (#1, 2023)
Highest charting song I like (tie): “All The Small Things” (#1, 1999), “I Miss You” (#1, 2003)

Cage The Elephant
2 Shit Points
21 appearances (as of Billboard issue date 11/5/25) on the Alternative Airplay chart. 5 appreciated, 4 deemed regrettable.
3 DEUCES: “Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked” (#3, 2009), “In One Ear” (#1, 2010), “Mess Around” (#1, 2015)
Highest charting song I like (tie): “Cigarette Daydreams” (#1, 2014), “Social Cues” (#1, 2019), “Metaverse” (#1, 2025)

U2*
4 Shit Points
44 appearances (as of Billboard issue date 11/5/25) on the Alternative Airplay chart. 11 appreciated, 13 deemed regrettable.
2 DEUCES: “Staring At The Sun” (#1, 1997), “Get On Your Boots” (#5, 2009)
Highest charting song I like (tie): “Desire” (#1, 1988), “The Fly” (#1, 1991), “Mysterious Ways” (#1, 1991) “Vertigo” (#1, 2004)
*U2 are being judged solely post-Joshua Tree, and would likely be absent from this countdown if early Mainstream Rock hits were allowed to influence the results. They’ll be OK, though. Trust me.

The Offspring
6 Shit Points
32 appearances (as of Billboard issue date 11/5/25) on the Alternative Airplay chart. 10 appreciated, 12 deemed regrettable.
4 DEUCES: “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy” (#3, 1998), “Original Prankster” (#2, 2000), “Hammerhead” (#2, 2008), “OK, But This Is The Last Time” (#2, 2024)
Highest charting song I like: “Come Out And Play” (#1, 1994)

Papa Roach
7 Shit Points
21 appearances (as of Billboard issue date 11/5/25) on the Alternative Airplay chart. 4 appreciated, 8 deemed regrettable.
3 DEUCES: “She Loves Me Not” (#5, 2002), “Scars” (#2, 2004), “Forever” (#2, 2007)
Highest charting song I like: “Last Resort” (2000, #1)

Foo Fighters
8 Shit Points
43 appearances (as of Billboard issue date 11/5/25) on the Alternative Airplay chart. 12 appreciated, 12 deemed regrettable.
8 DEUCES: “Big Me” (#3, 1996), “Learn To Fly” (#1, 1999), “Times Like These” (#5, 2003), “Wheels” (#3, 2009), “Walk” (#2, 2011), “These Days” (#2, 2011), “Something From Nothing” (#1, 2014), “Today’s Song” (#2, 2025)
Highest charting song I like (tie): “All My Life” (#1, 2002), “Best Of You” (#1, 2005), “DOA” (#1, 2005), “The Pretender” (#1, 2007), “Under You” (#1, 2023)

Korn
9 Shit Points
21 appearances (as of Billboard issue date 11/5/25) on the Alternative Airplay chart. 2 appreciated, 11 deemed regrettable.
ZERO DEUCES
Highest charting song I like: “Freak On A Leash” (#6, 1999)

311
10 Shit Points
26 appearances (as of Billboard issue date 11/5/25) on the Alternative Airplay chart. 5 appreciated, 12 deemed regrettable.
3 DEUCES: “Down” (#1, 1996), “Creatures (For A While)” (#3, 2003), “Hey You” (#3, 2009)
Highest charting song I like: “Love Song” (#1, 2004)

Feel like debating these rankings? I only ask one thing before considering your position...check out Alternative Radio Gods: The Sh!tb0x, a hypothetical 4cd box set of alternative alternative airplay favorites from Time-Life Wasted, featuring 72 of the worst hits to ever make the radio! Once I know you've consumed this material in full - or at least the section involving the artists you're cranky I've slighted - then yes, by all means, tell me I'm a swine, and these are pearls.

Each of the first three discs features 4-8 awful songs from the Offensive Eight, with latter-day DEUCE magnet Weezer included, despite their -3 Shit Points. Then, for an extra treat, a chronological tour through the worst of the other Alternative Radio Gods assessed in these posts. Stars like: The Smashing Pumpkins! R.E.M.! The Killers! Muse! twenty one pilots! Green Day! Rise Against! Red Hot Chili Peppers! Coldplay! Linkin Park! Depeche Mode! Nine Inch Nails! Stone Temple Pilots...and Pearl Jam! The Killers, Depeche Mode*, Red Chili Peppers and Stone Temple Pilots each appear twice because of their relative proximity to Shit Points. Beck is not included, as he never earned a Shit Point. Our hero.

*Like U2, the Mode would have benefited greatly if their pre-'88 hits were part of this adventure. But they're not.

DISC 1: REAL AMERICAN ALT-ROCK, FROM LOUISVILLE TO NORCAL TO OMAHA

1. Cage The Elephant, “Aint No Rest For The Wicked” (peak: #3, debut: 4/4/09)
2. Cage The Elephant, “In One Ear” (peak: #1, debut: 4/24/10)
3. Cage The Elephant, “Mess Around” (peak: #1, debut: 11/14/15)
4. Cage The Elephant, “Whole Wild World” (peak: #6, debut: 7/15/17)
5. Papa Roach, “She Loves Me Not” (peak: #5, debut: 5/25/02) 
6. Papa Roach, “Time And Time Again” (peak: #33, debut: 10/9/02)
7. Papa Roach, “Scars” (peak: #2, debut: 11/20/04)
8. Papa Roach, “Forever” (peak: #2, debut: 2/3/07)
9. Papa Roach, “Time Is Running Out” (peak: #17, debut: 8/18/07) 
10. Papa Roach, “I Almost Told You That I Loved You” (peak: #35, debut: 7/4/09)
11. 311, “Down” (peak: #1, debut: 7/6/96) 
12. 311, “Transistor” (peak: #14, debut: 7/5/97)
13. 311, “Come Original” (peak: #6, debut: 9/11/99) 
14. 311, “You Wouldn’t Believe” (peak: #7, debut: 6/16/01) 
15. 311, “Creatures (For A While)” (peak: #3, debut: 7/12/03)
16. 311, “Hey You” (peak: #3, debut: 4/25/09) 
17. 311, “Sunset In July” (peak: #7, debut: 6/25/11)
18. 311, “You’re Gonna Get It” (peak: #17, debut: 7/6/24)

DISC 2: SO-CALIFORNIA LOVE, FROM SAN DIEGO COUNTY TO ORANGE COUNTY TO KERN COUNTY

1. Blink-182, “What’s My Age Again?” (peak: #2, debut: 5/8/99) 
2. Blink-182, “She’s Out Of Her Mind” (peak: #1, debut: 10/22/16)
3. Blink-182, “Blame It On My Youth” (peak: #11, debut: 5/18/19)
4. Blink-182, “ONE MORE TIME” (peak: #1, debut: 9/30/23)
5. The Offspring, “Gotta Get Away” (peak: #6, debut: 11/26/94)
6. The Offspring, “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” (peak: #3, debut: 10/17/98)
7. The Offspring, “Original Prankster” (peak: #2, 10/21/00)
8. The Offspring, “(Can’t Get My) Head Around You” (peak: #6, debut: 3/13/04)
9. The Offspring, “Hammerhead” (peak: #2, debut: 5/24/08)
10. The Offspring, “Ok, But This Is The Last Time” (peak: #2, debut: 11/2/24)
11. Korn, “Make Me Bad” (peak: #7, debut: 2/19/00)
12. Korn, “Somebody Someone” (peak: #23, debut: 7/22/00)
13. Korn, “Thoughtless” (peak: #11, debut: 6/29/02) 
14. Korn, “Did My Time” (peak: #17, debut: 7/12/03)
15. Korn, “Twisted Transistor” (peak: #9, debut: 10/8/05)
16. Korn, “Coming Undone” (peak: #14, debut: 3/25/06)
17. Korn, “Evolution” (peak: #20, debut: 6/9/07)
18. Korn, “Oildale (Leave Me Alone)” (peak: #29, debut: 5/29/10)

DISC 3: CRITICAL FAVORITES, FROM PITCHFORK TO ROLLING STONE TO SPIN

1. Weezer, “Beverly Hills” (peak: #1, debut: 4/9/05)
2. Weezer, “Back To The Shack” (peak: #5, debut: 8/19/14)
3. Weezer, “Hero” (peak: #1, debut: 5/23/20)
4. Weezer, “A Little Bit Of Love” (peak: #1, debut: 3/26/22)
5. U2, “Jesus Christ” (peak: #9, debut: 9/17/88)
6. U2, “Staring At The Sun” (peak: #1, debut: 3/15/97)
7. U2, “Sweetest Thing” (peak: #9, debut: 10/17/98)
8. U2, “Get On Your Boots” (peak: #5, debut: 2/7/09) 
9. U2, “The Miracle (Of Joey Ramone)” (peak: #22, debut: 2/22/14)
10. U2, “Atomic City” (peak: #14, debut: 10/14/23)
11. Foo Fighters, “Big Me” (peak: #3, debut: 1/27/96)
12. Foo Fighters, “Learn To Fly” (peak: #1, debut: 10/2/99)
13. Foo Fighters, “Times Like These” (peak: #5, debut: 1/25/03)
14. Foo Fighters, “Wheels” (peak: #3, debut: 10/10/09)
15. Foo Fighters, “Walk” (peak: #1, debut: 6/8/11)
16. Foo Fighters, “These Days” (peak: #2, debut: 10/15/11)
17. Foo Fighters, “Something From Nothing” (peak: #1, debut: 11/1/14)
18. Foo Fighters, “Today’s Song” (peak: #2, debut: 7/12/25)

DISC 4: 30 YEARS OF BAD ALT-RADIO SONGS FROM BIG ALT-RADIO ACTS!

1. Stone Temple Pilots, “Plush” (peak: #9, debut: 3/20/93)
2. Smashing Pumpkins, “Landslide” (peak: #3, debut: 10/15/94) 
3. R.E.M., “Bang And Blame” (peak: #1, debut: 11/26/94)
4. Depeche Mode, “Barrel Of A Gun” (peak: #11, debut: 1/18/97)
5. Pearl Jam, “Last Kiss” (peak: #2, debut: 5/1/99)
6. Nine Inch Nails, “Starfuckers Inc.” (peak: #39, debut: 8/7/99)
7. Stone Temple Pilots, “Down” (peak: #9, debut: 10/2/99) 
8. Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Californication” (peak: #1, debut: 6/17/00)
9. Killers, “Human” (peak: #6, debut: 10/11/08)
10. Depeche Mode, “Wrong” (peak: #12, debut: 3/14/09)
11. Green Day, “21 Guns” (peak: #3, debut: 6/6/09)
12. Linkin Park, “Iridescent” (peak: #19, debut: 5/14/11)
13. Coldplay, “Paradise” (peak: #1, debut: 10/1/11) 
14. The Killers, “Runaways” (peak: #7, debut: 7/8/12)
15. Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Dark Necessities” (peak: #1, debut: 5/21/16)
16. Muse, “Something Human” (peak: #10, debut: 7/28/18)
17. Rise Against, “Nowhere Generation” (peak: #9, debut: 3/27/21)
18. twenty one pilots, “The Line” (peak: #1, debut: 12/7/24)

In the words of Fall Out Boy..."We did it. It's done." If you have anything to say about that - positive, negative or 0 shit points - throw me a line at anthonyisright at gmail dot com.