Rock'n'Roll Hall Of Fame Nominees 2022: My Picks!

Back when all the cool thirty-year-olds were on tumblr, I used to make wry posts each time the Rock'n'Roll Hall Of Fame nominations rolled around, trumpeting the inclusion of artists based on their fame rather than their artistic merit. These institutions are dubious, problematic entities, so why not apply a glib, fun-time metric rather than a misguided, po-faced sense of justice, right?  As if this shit is justifiable in the first place.

So with no further ado, here's who I'd pick from the 2022 batch!

Beck: By pathetic default, he truly did wind up the Bob Dylan of Generation X. He's alive, he's still on a major label, and he has a floppy hat. Can anyone else his age say that? But at the risk of offending everyone I know, I'm not sure Generation X icons should get early entry without considerable Millenial crossover appeal. Beck's a Modern Rock Number One with that crowd, but not Top 40. Let's make him wait.

Pat Benatar: I'm really asking people in their forties and fifties to hate my guts today, but I'm not sure her headband couture is iconic beyond the Fast Times In Ridgemont High crowd, and her songbook has been subsumed into Rock Of Ages. She's not unworthy, but there's no rush.

Kate Bush: She's memeworthy with the hippest of kiddos, but you still gotta be pretty hip to know her name. Maybe she should die, make a great documentary or win an online poll first.

DEVO: There might be a little gender bias in ranking them over Benatar, but people used to shout "DEVO!" out of car windows at nerds. That's serious cultural resonance. I wish they had a Netflix staple documentary like Rush does, but those flowerpot hats are always in fashion. I think they're due.

Duran Duran: Easily the cutest, most danceable pretentious art-rock band in music history, and I really appreciate that. They've also made admirable efforts to keep our attention through the decades, collaborating with everyone from Timbaland to David Lynch. You can't monkey with that business. Let 'em in.

Eminem: This challenges my professed cynicism more than anything. He's an obvious immediate induction in terms of fame, but I truly resent how much attention we've given this guy over the years. Like fellow white messiah Elvis, he's had way more hits than great songs, and has been a torpid chore for the overwhelming majority of his career. And Elvis' "classic album" doesn't have a Buddy Holly blowjob sketch on it. I'm keeping him off my ballot out of woke protest.

Eurythmics: You gotta say "Annie Lennox & The Eurythmics" to even get close to qualifying. Dave Stewart has taken up far too much attention in the rock world as it is.

Judas Priest: Iconic, but Iron Maiden should get in first, out of respect to Eddie.

Fela Kuti: Do I keep meaning to spend a week listening to nothing but Fela? Yes. Do I think it would be admirable for the Rock Hall to have a more global mindset? Yes. Do I think this would be a weird Kennedy Centers Honors move for the Hall as is? Yes.

MC5: Separate from Grandmaster Flash? Ridiculous.

New York Dolls: So influential, and I adore David Johansen, but he's still alive and Scorsese's doc hasn't come out yet. I gotta be fair.

Dolly Parton: Sure. She couldn't be more famous, and this is less culturally dubious than burning down Monticello to put up a new Dollywood or whatever Twitter's campaigning for.

Rage Against The Machine: Fuck. Yes. Righteous rap-rock that forever resonantes with the kids, as the pigs only get piggier.

Lionel Richie: Not before, or without, the Commodores. Fuck. no.

Carly Simon: I think this would be an important acknowlegement of her pioneering work in calling out dudes and speaking her peace in song while being unabashedly privileged and horny in People Magazine. Taylor Swift's career would be unthinkable without her.

A Tribe Called Quest: RIP Phife. Their music doc might be my favorite of all time. The smoothest, coolest guys to ever walk out of a gifted class. They never went Top 40, but they've established the verities of an iconhood worth acknowledging.

Dionne Warwick: This almost has me saying "what is this, the Kennedy Center Honors?" but she had a ton of Top 40s. I'm not against it.

And now...the five artists I'm putting on my fan ballot:

DEVO.

Duran Duran.

Rage Against The Machine.

Carly Simon.

A Tribe Called Quest.

(With the acknowledgment that Warwick should be honored by the Kennedy Center and that I won't pull a statute of Parton down in Nashville.)