Can Someone Please Help Me Update Jive Bunny?

I had Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers' The Album in elementary school, presumably out of a fascination with music history and sampling techniques. "Swing The Mood" quite the novelty single!  Why anyone with a working knowledge of music history and sampling techniques would enjoy it though, is a fair question. Many did not.

I've always admired Christgau bothering to elaborate beyond a simple, valid "fuck that noise." As a prepubescent kid trying to break my parent's least essential, most ignored records in time to "Simply Irresistible," the distinction between swing and rock & roll was lost on me (Bob didn't appreciate the historical implications of the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack, either). With every passing year, the ingredients of "Swing The Mood" - the subtly maladjusted lagomorph's breakthrough hit - fascinate me even more in their slapdash indifference to anything but a mindless, cheery concept of "old school" that fellow squares could presumably conceive Meghan Trainor to.

0:00-0:04: Chubby Checker - “Let’s Twist Again”

0:06-0:54: Glenn Miller - “In The Mood”

0:56-1:23: Bill Haley & His Comets - “Rock Around The Clock”

1:25-1:38: Bill Haley & His Comets - “Rock-A-Beatin’ Boogie”

1:40-1:49: Little Richard - “Tutti Frutti”

1:51-2:17: The Everly Brothers - “Wake Up Little Susie”

2:19-2:26: Eddie Cochran - “C’Mon Everybody”

2:28-2:42: Elvis Presley - “Hound Dog”

2:44-2:53: Bill Haley & His Comets - “Shake, Rattle & Roll”

2:55-3:03: Elvis Presley - “I Don’t Wanna Cry”

3:05-3:23: Elvis Presley - “Emotions”

3:25-3:41: Danny & The Juniors - “At The Hop”

3:43-3:46: Little Richard - “Tutti Frutti”

3:48-6:05: Glenn Miller - “In The Mood” and 3 other faves

Yeesh! With that tinny update of the Glenn Miller beat playing thoroughout? Can you imagine someone making that today? To be honest, I can. And if you know me in any social context, you know I'm eager to. I love playing the "this cultural artifact is as old as that cultural artifact was when this one came out" game. Call it gauche, call it corny, call the damn cops. Cuz I ain't stoppin' any time soon.

"Swing The Mood" came out about 33 years ago (I know, and you might need a heavy blanket for what's coming). So I got out the calculcator and came up with a plausible recipe for an update in 2022. The math isn't perfect. "Funky Drummer" is even older than "In The Mood" was in 1989, and those Mariah hits are about a year younger than Elvis' were. The vibe isn't identical. But tell me it ain't a vibe.

0:00-0:04: Beck - “Loser”

0:06-0:54: James Brown - “Funky Drummer”

0:56-1:23: Whitney Houston - “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”

1:25-1:38: Whitney Houston - “So Emotional”

1:40-1:49: Rick Astley - “Never Gonna Give You Up”

1:51-2:17: Bel Biv DeVoe - “Poison”

2:19-2:26: Nirvana - “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

2:28-2:42: Mariah Carey - “Someday”

2:44-2:53: Whitney Houston - “Didn’t We Almost Have It All”

2:55-3:03: Mariah Carey - “I Don’t Wanna Cry”

3:05-3:23: Mariah Carey - “Emotions”

3:25-3:41: Color Me Badd - “I Wanna Sex You Up”

3:43-3:46: Rick Astley - “Never Gonna Give You Up”

3:48-6:05: James Brown - “Funky Drummer” and 3 other faves

After a couple minutes tinkering with iMovie and debating learning GarageBand, I decided creating this genre-blurring Gen X golem wasn't time-effective. But! I'm sure it would be a lot less work for someone used to making mixes already. Just drop the "Funky Drummer" beat, sprinkle in snippets of the hits over it, and watch the world vomit.

So please! Free artisanal viral idea! Play with it! Bring in your own cultural memory! Visuals? Please do! A tip of the hat would be lovely, but all I really want is to stare at the completed crime scene and whisper "this is my design." Thanks in advance, fellow sickos!